Self-Abandonment: Why You Keep Putting Yourself Last (And How to Stop)

You know that moment when someone asks, “Are you okay?” and you reply, “I’m fine,” even though there’s a whole emotional thunderstorm happening inside you? Yep. That’s self-abandonment.

Self-abandonment is the pattern of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own—suppressing your feelings, silencing your opinions, and shaping yourself to be who others want you to be. It’s that “keep the peace” instinct that seems noble on the outside, but leaves you feeling invisible, depleted, and often resentful on the inside.

And here’s the kicker: it usually starts as a survival strategy. As a therapist in Hermosa Beach, I’ve seen this play out in individual therapy and couples therapy more times than I can count. It’s not that you’re weak or dramatic—it’s that somewhere along the way, you learned it was safer to disconnect from yourself than risk conflict, rejection, or being too much.

What Self-Abandonment Actually Looks Like

It’s not always obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle, like:

• Saying “yes” when you mean “no.”
• Laughing off things that hurt.
• Staying quiet because you’re scared to rock the boat.
• Pretending things don’t bother you… when they really do.
• Minimizing your dreams or accomplishments so others feel more comfortable.
• Over-functioning in relationships—being the one who fixes, gives, and supports while quietly burning out.

In couples therapy, this often shows up when one partner is doing emotional acrobatics to keep the relationship going—while secretly feeling unseen or unappreciated. Over time, that disconnect leads to resentment, emotional distance, and a loss of self.

Why We Do It (Hint: It’s Not Because You’re Weak)

Self-abandonment doesn’t just fall out of the sky. For many people, it starts in childhood. Maybe you were raised in a home where conflict felt dangerous, or where your emotions were ignored or punished. Maybe being “easy” was how you earned love, attention, or just avoided blowups.

So your brain did what brains do: it adapted. It learned that being accommodating, agreeable, or low-maintenance kept you safe. Over time, that morphs into a habit—one that feels hard to break, even when it’s hurting you.

But let’s be real: constantly abandoning yourself doesn’t make relationships healthier. It just makes you disappear.

What It’s Costing You

If you’ve been running on autopilot, always meeting other people’s needs before your own, here’s what it can lead to:

• Chronic burnout and exhaustion
• Feeling disconnected from your identity and desires
• Resentment toward your partner, family, or friends
• Anxiety or depression
• Struggling to set boundaries (or even know what your boundaries are)
• A sense of emptiness—like you’ve lost touch with who you are

And the worst part? Most people don’t even realize they’re doing it until it starts impacting their relationships or mental health.

Reclaiming Yourself in Therapy

Here’s the good news: self-abandonment is a pattern, not a personality trait. Which means it can be unlearned. Therapy—whether individual or couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, or even online therapy across California—can help you reconnect with yourself in ways that are practical, healing, and sustainable.

Let’s talk about how that might look:

1. Checking in with yourself daily.
This is your starting line. Before giving someone a “yes,” pause and ask: What do I actually want? That one simple question can disrupt years of automatic self-betrayal.

2. Naming your needs without apologizing for them.
You’re allowed to want things. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to take up space. In therapy, we practice this—sometimes out loud—so you can build confidence in honoring your needs, even when it feels scary.

3. Getting comfortable with discomfort.
Setting boundaries or expressing honest emotions can feel awkward or guilt-inducing at first. That’s normal. But discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means you’re doing something different.

4. Rewriting old beliefs.
A big part of self-abandonment is internalized beliefs like, “I’m too much,” or “If I ask for what I need, people will leave.” In therapy, we identify where these beliefs came from and gently start to rewrite them. You get to decide what’s true for you now—not just what you were taught to believe.

5. Building relationships where you don’t have to disappear.
Real intimacy isn’t about keeping things smooth at all costs. It’s about being real. If you’re in a relationship that only works when you go quiet or self-sacrifice, we’ll unpack that. Whether it’s couples therapy in Hermosa Beach or individual work, therapy gives you tools to build healthier, more honest connections.

For the People-Pleasers, the Conflict-Avoiders, and the Always-There-for-Everyones

You don’t need to earn love by disappearing. You don’t have to be the “easy” one to be worthy. You’re allowed to exist in your full, messy, beautiful human-ness—and still be loved.

Whether you’re looking for therapy in Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, or online therapy anywhere in California, this work is about learning to come home to yourself. To speak up, take space, and stop ghosting your own needs.

You’re allowed to be the main character in your own life. And if you’re not sure where to start, therapy can be that place.

Want support? Whether it’s individual therapy, couples therapy, or online sessions from anywhere in California, I’m here to help you stop abandoning yourself—and start showing up as the person you’re meant to be.or everyone else, therapy in Hermosa Beach is a great place to begin. Let’s talk about how to make you a priority again.