Women and Anger: Reclaiming an Emotion We’ve Been Taught to Hide with Therapy in Manhattan Beach
Have you ever felt furious and then immediately questioned yourself: Am I overreacting? Was I too harsh? Should I just let it go?
If you’re a woman, odds are you’ve had some version of that moment more than once. We’re taught early on that anger is not “nice.” That it’s not “ladylike.” That being upset makes us difficult, dramatic or, God forbid, emotional. Somewhere along the way, we learned that sadness is more acceptable than rage and that silence is safer than expression.
We’re taught that anger is unfeminine, too loud, too much, too messy. While boys are often given permission to express anger early on, girls are socialized to be “nice,” accommodating, and selfless. This double standard shapes how we show up in our relationships. For many women, anger gets buried under layers of guilt, sadness or shame. Meanwhile, men are often funneled toward anger because it’s seen as the most socially acceptable emotion. I wrote more about that dynamic in this post about how anger becomes the most acceptable emotion for men.
But here’s the thing: anger is not the problem. The shame we carry around it is.
When Anger Has Nowhere to Go
When women are taught to suppress anger, it doesn’t create harmony. It creates collapse.
You can shove anger down for years, decades even, but it still leaks out:
- In the moments when your partner asks a simple question and you snap without meaning to.
- In the quiet resentment that bubbles up when you’re taking care of everyone but yourself.
- In the exhaustion that settles into your bones because the emotional labor never stops.
- In the fear that if you do speak up, you’ll be seen as “too much” or “ungrateful.”
Anger becomes something you negotiate with privately. Something you fear could “ruin everything” if you let it out. Something you blame yourself for having. And yet… that anger is often the most honest part of you. Anger is a boundary. Anger is a signal. Anger is information. It tells you when something isn’t working, when you’ve abandoned yourself, when a need has gone unmet for too long.
Where Anger Lives in the Body
Anger is not just a thought or an emotion. It is a signal from your nervous system that something is off. For many women, the system has learned to hide that signal: to shrink, to mute, to “be nice,” even at the cost of their own well-being.
When anger is suppressed:
- It manifests as chronic tension: shoulders tight, jaw clenched, stomach knots.
- It shows up as irritability, exhaustion or low-grade resentment in relationships.
- It can emerge in “out of proportion” moments, where small triggers feel intolerable.
The body remembers what the mind is trying to forget.
The Intersection of Anger and Attachment
Anger in women is often deeply tied to attachment patterns. If early caregivers were inconsistent, unavailable, dismissive, or emotionally overwhelmed, the child learns to adapt. These adaptations may include:
- Prioritizing others’ needs above their own
- Suppressing needs to avoid conflict
- Hyper-vigilantly scanning for cues of disapproval or abandonment
As adults, these patterns show up as:
- People-pleasing in romantic and professional relationships
- Emotional shutdown when needs go unmet
- Difficulty expressing boundaries without guilt
Brené Brown breaks down what our emotions are really trying to tell us in this BBC article, and honestly, it’s worth a read. She says in Atlas of the Heart:
“Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick. Internalizing it will take away our joy and spirit. Externalizing it in an explosive way will make us less effective. But the recognition and the naming of anger in the moment… is powerful.”
We can’t work with what we won’t name. And therapy is often where women finally get to say it out loud. Moms who come to therapy might feel anger as a response to depletion and invisible labor, high-achieving women in therapy often experience it when they’ve stretched themselves past their limits and still feel like it’s not enough, and women with relational wounds usually carry anger that’s tangled up with old experiences of being dismissed, overlooked or unsafe.
In short: the anger never disappears; it becomes a silent, chronic companion, buried beneath self-sacrifice.
Anger in Relationships: The Emotion That’s Not Always Welcome
In relationships anger shows up all the time, but rarely in the clean, tidy way we imagine anger “should” look. Sometimes it comes out sideways as snapping, sarcasm or a tone you didn’t mean to use. Sometimes it slips in quietly through withdrawal or disconnection like a long sigh, a shrug, a sudden retreat into your phone. And sometimes it’s not about the dishes or the forgotten text at all; it’s about something deeper and far more vulnerable:
I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel chosen. I don’t feel important.
And for many women, especially in heterosexual relationships, anger doesn’t always feel like a permissioned emotion. It can feel like a liability. An inconvenience. Something you’re supposed to soften, swallow or turn into something more palatable. Be measured. Stay calm. Be “nice.” Don’t rock the boat. So instead of saying, This hurt me, it becomes criticism. Instead of saying, I need more from you, it turns into eye-rolling, distance or silence. Anger becomes the emotion you feel in your body but aren’t sure you’re allowed to let out of your mouth. Sometimes it gets loud and fiery; other times it hides under years of being accommodating, agreeable, or overly understanding.
Many of the women I work with in therapy say things like:
“I don’t want to be the angry one in the relationship.”
“I’m scared I’ll push him away if I speak up.”
“I know I’m upset, but I feel like I should just get over it.”
And this is where I gently slow things down and invite them into a different perspective; the same one I share in couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, Manhattan Beach, and in online therapy across California: anger is an invitation.
Anger is not a character flaw or a sign that you’re too emotional. It’s not a threat to connection; it’s a signal from your nervous system that something inside you matters. Anger says, Pay attention. Something feels off. Something needs care.
And when anger is expressed with clarity and vulnerability rather than blame or attack, it can actually deepen intimacy. It can open doors instead of slamming them. It can create real connection yes, even in conflict, because beneath anger there is always a longing: to be heard, to be understood, to matter.
How Individual Therapy in Manhattan Beach Helps You Understand and Work Through Anger
Individual therapy is where anger finally gets to slow down enough to be understood instead of judged. Most people aren’t actually afraid of their anger, they’re afraid of what it might mean: Am I too much? Will this push someone away? What if anger makes me unlovable?
In therapy, we start by getting to know your anger as a messenger rather than a problem. We explore where it comes from: the childhood moments when it wasn’t safe to speak up, the times when big feelings were ignored or punished, the relational wounds that taught you to stay quiet or stay small. What were you taught about anger growing up? How did your caregivers model (or not model) conflict? How does anger feel in your body? What happens when you express anger in your relationship? And maybe most importantly: What could shift in your life if you didn’t feel ashamed of your anger but instead trusted it?
Many women in particular grew up in environments where anger was labeled “dramatic,” “unattractive,” or “unnecessary,” so they learned to turn it inward instead. That history doesn’t disappear just because you grow up. It comes with you into adulthood, into conflict, into relationships. Therapy helps you untangle these threads with compassion. Instead of reacting from old survival instincts, you begin to understand the deeper layers:
Your anger shows where your boundaries were crossed.
Your anger reveals where your needs went unmet.
Your anger often signals a younger part of you trying to protect itself.
And from a neuroscience standpoint, individual therapy helps your nervous system learn something it never got to experience before: that it’s safe to have emotions in the presence of another regulated, attuned person.
That is what rewires patterns, not forcing yourself to “stay calm,” but learning how to feel your feelings without being overwhelmed by them. You build emotional capacity. You learn how to set boundaries without collapsing into guilt. You practice expressing needs without apologizing for them.
Over time, anger becomes less explosive or suppressed and more grounded, clear, and connected to your values. Because when you understand your anger, you don’t just stop reacting, you start choosing.
How Couples Therapy in Manhattan Beach Helps You Transform Anger Into Connection
If individual therapy helps you understand your anger, couples therapy helps you understand what happens between you and your partner when anger shows up. Because let’s be honest, anger doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens in a dynamic, in a pattern, in a nervous-system-to-nervous-system exchange. In couples therapy, we step out of the “who’s right and who’s wrong” mindset and into curiosity:
What is your anger trying to protect?
What is your partner hearing when you raise your voice or shut down?
What cycle do the two of you get stuck in again and again?
Most couples fall into a predictable loop during conflict such as one pursues, the other withdraws. One raises their voice because they feel unheard; the other goes quiet because they feel overwhelmed. And both walk away feeling misunderstood, lonely, and disconnected. Couples therapy helps you name that cycle and interrupt it.
We look at what’s happening on a physiological level too: how your body goes into fight, flight, or freeze; how your partner’s nervous system responds; how quickly emotional safety erodes when neither of you knows what the other is feeling beneath the surface. Once the cycle is clear, we start building something new. We practice slowing down the heat of the moment instead of escalating.We learn how to express anger with vulnerability:
“I’m angry because I’m scared of losing you,”
not
“You never listen.”
We create emotional safety so that anger becomes a bridge, not a barrier. Couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, Manhattan Beach, or through online therapy in California gives partners a chance to repair in real time and to experience what it feels like to stay connected even when emotions run high.
And here’s the most healing part: Your partner learns how to show up for the parts of you that get loud, scared or overwhelmed. You learn how to show up for their internal world, too. Together, you create a relationship where anger isn’t something to fear, but something to navigate with honesty, skill, and care.
If something in you is saying, “I think I’m ready for this,” I’d love to support you. You don’t have to figure everything out alone; therapy can give you the space, language, and grounded support you’ve been craving.
Whether you’re in Hermosa Beach, nearby cities or anywhere in California through online therapy, reach out and schedule a free consultation. Let’s take the first small, brave step toward you feeling more like yourself again.
