How Childhood Wounds and Soulmate Fantasies Impact Real Love (And How Couples Therapy in Los Angeles Can Help)
We all grow up with ideas about love: what it should feel like, how it should look, and who we’re “meant” to be with. These beliefs don’t come out of nowhere. They’re shaped by childhood dynamics, cultural messages, and even the fairytales we were told before bedtime. But what happens when those ideas don’t match the reality of being in a relationship?
As a couples therapist from Hermosa Beach, I’ve worked with countless individuals and partners who come to therapy wondering, “Why doesn’t this feel like the kind of love I imagined?” This blog is for you if you’ve ever questioned whether your relationship is “right,” felt let down by love, or struggled to reconcile the messiness of reality with the perfection you expected.
Let’s talk about the difference between fantasy love and real love, how early experiences shape our ideas of partnership, and why learning to accept the imperfect can actually bring you closer than any fairytale ever could.
Life as It Is vs. Life as It’s “Supposed” to Be
So many of us carry a blueprint for how life and love are “supposed” to look. Maybe it’s the perfect house, a partner who reads your mind or the feeling of constant excitement and passion. But life rarely plays out like that. Real relationships involve messiness, conflict, uncertainty, and growth.
The fantasy version of love often acts as a defense mechanism, a way to protect ourselves from the unpredictability and vulnerability of real emotional intimacy. When we idealize love, we avoid the discomfort of sitting with hard emotions: loneliness, anger, disappointment or fear. But when we’re busy trying to mold our relationship into a fantasy, we miss the beauty of what’s actually happening in front of us.
In therapy, whether it’s individual therapy to focus on relational traumas and attachment wounds or couples therapy with focus on relational healing, we start to unpack these expectations. When clients begin to differentiate between what they hoped love would be and what it actually is, they often experience both grief and relief. Because while fantasy love is unattainable, real love is sustainable and worth the effort.
How Early Relationships Shape Our View of Love
Our first models of love come from our caregivers. Whether those early bonds felt nurturing, inconsistent, emotionally unavailable or overly critical, they created internal templates for how we expect to be loved. And unless we examine them, we often carry those templates into adulthood.
Sometimes we idealize our parents believing they could do no wrong because as children, it felt too scary to see their flaws. If we admitted they weren’t perfect, it might have made us feel unsafe or unloved. So we built a fantasy around them, one that protected us from hurt. As adults, we may repeat this pattern with romantic partners, putting them on a pedestal until they inevitably fall short.
On the flip side, if our caregivers were critical or emotionally withholding, we may have learned that we had to earn love by being perfect. This can lead to relationships where we either over-perform or self-abandon to stay connected. It’s exhausting, and it’s not love- it’s survival.
In individual therapy in Los Angeles or online therapy across California, we take a compassionate look at these early experiences. Understanding where our patterns come from allows us to rewrite them, so we can show up in our relationships from a place of authenticity, not unconscious fear.
The Soulmate Myth: Longing for Someone to Rescue Us
The idea of a soulmate is comforting; it gives us hope that there’s one person out there who will make everything feel easier, safer, and more meaningful. But when we rely on that narrative to define what love should be, it sets us up for disappointment.
Most people who cling to the idea of a “perfect” partner are unknowingly trying to heal childhood wounds. Maybe you felt emotionally alone as a kid or craved validation that never came. That yearning can easily morph into the belief that your partner should now meet all those unmet needs. And when they can’t? You feel disillusioned, hurt or even abandoned.
But the truth is: no one can complete you. And real love doesn’t mean never feeling lonely, misunderstood, or triggered. In couples therapy, we explore how to build a relationship where both people are allowed to be human: flawed, evolving, and still deeply worthy of love.
What Real Love Looks Like
So if love isn’t about perfection or someone “completing” you, what is it really about?
Real love is quieter than the movies make it out to be. It’s not grand declarations or constant passion; it’s the everyday choice to show up, even when things feel messy or uncertain. It’s the willingness to stay curious about your partner’s inner world and to keep learning how to love each other better over time.
Real love means:
- Choosing each other again and again, even on the hard days. It’s easy to be loving when things are going well. The real test and the real reward comes from choosing connection when you’re both tired, frustrated, or afraid.
- Allowing space for each other’s humanity. You and your partner are both works in progress. Real love makes room for that, for the parts that are healing, the moments of imperfection, and the growth that takes time.
- Communicating openly, even when it’s uncomfortable. Vulnerability is not always smooth or graceful, but it’s the bridge to intimacy. Real love invites honesty, even when it brings discomfort, because that’s where trust is built.
- Validating each other’s emotions instead of trying to fix them. Sometimes your partner doesn’t need a solution, they need your presence. Saying, “That sounds really painful” can often bring more connection than any advice ever could.
- Working through conflict instead of avoiding it. Conflict isn’t proof that something’s wrong, it’s an invitation to understand each other more deeply. Real love learns to repair, to listen, and to rebuild after disconnection.
- Building safety and trust through consistency. Love that lasts isn’t built on intensity, it’s built on reliability. The small moments of showing up again and again create a foundation of emotional safety that allows intimacy to grow.
Real love isn’t flashy or dramatic. It’s steady, vulnerable, and rooted in the willingness to grow both together and individually. It’s not about having it all figured out; it’s about being brave enough to stay present, to learn, and to choose each other, even when it’s hard.
In my practice offering counseling in Hermosa Beach and to clients across California through online therapy, I help individuals and couples shift from romanticized expectations to grounded, authentic connection. Because when love is based on emotional safety, mutual respect, and curiosity, it doesn’t just last, it deepens. It becomes the kind of love that helps you feel more fully alive, more secure, and more yourself.
Letting Go of the Fairytale (and Why That’s a Good Thing)
When we stop chasing the fantasy and start embracing reality, love becomes more accessible and less anxiety-inducing. There’s no pressure to be perfect or to fix your partner. There’s just a commitment to show up, do the work, and offer compassion both to yourself and the person you’re with.
This is especially important for people in high-pressure environments or those who struggle with vulnerability. In individual therapy in the South Bay, we build the emotional safety needed to be seen as we are, not as who we think we’re supposed to be.
And if you and your partner are feeling stuck in cycles of disappointment, misunderstanding, or emotional disconnection, couples therapy in Hermosa Beach or online therapy in California can help you rebuild from a place of realism, not resentment.
Final Thoughts: Redefining Love On Your Own Terms with Couples Therapy in Hermosa Beach
Real love isn’t about being swept off your feet, it’s about standing firmly beside someone and choosing them again and again even when life gets messy. It’s knowing they’re choosing you back not because everything is perfect, but because you both care enough to keep showing up.
It means accepting that love won’t always look the way you imagined. And maybe that’s the real beauty of it. When you let go of the fantasy, the idea that love should always feel effortless or magical, you make room for something deeper. Something real. Because love isn’t meant to complete you; it’s meant to grow with you. Real love allows you to be whole, imperfect, and fully human. It invites you into connection that feels safe enough to be honest and brave enough to evolve.
If you’re ready to move beyond the fantasy and cultivate relationships that feel grounded, authentic, and emotionally safe, I’d love to support you. Whether you’re seeking therapy in Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, or Redondo Beach, or prefer online therapy anywhere in California, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
