Women and Anger: Reclaiming an Emotion We’ve Been Taught to Hide

Have you ever felt furious and then immediately questioned yourself: Am I overreacting? Was I too harsh? Should I just let it go?

If you’re a woman, odds are you’ve had some version of that moment more than once. We’re taught early on that anger is not “nice.”  That it’s not “ladylike.” That being upset makes us difficult, dramatic, or, God forbid, emotional. Somewhere along the way, we learned that sadness is more acceptable than rage and that silence is safer than expression.

But here’s the thing: anger is not the problem. The shame we carry around it is.

The Disguise Anger Wears

For so many women I work with in therapy, anger shows up like an unwelcome guest they’ve learned to hide. It doesn’t vanish; it just puts on a different outfit. It becomes:

Chronic people-pleasing

Resentment toward a partner

Exhaustion and burnout

Irritability over “small” things

A quiet sense of being disconnected from yourself

As Brené Brown says in Atlas of the Heart:

“Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick. Internalizing it will take away our joy and spirit. Externalizing it in an explosive way will make us less effective. But the recognition and the naming of anger in the moment… is powerful.”

We can’t work with what we won’t name. And therapy is often where women finally get to say it out loud.

Anger in Relationships: The Emotion That’s Not Always Welcome

In couples therapy, anger shows up a lot but rarely cleanly. Maybe you’re snapping at your partner, or maybe you’re going quiet instead. Sometimes you’re angry about the dishes, but underneath it is a deeper truth: I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel like a priority.

And often, one partner, especially the woman in heterosexual relationships, feels like she’s not allowed to be angry. She has to stay measured. Calm. Nice.

Sometimes it shows up as criticism, or eye-rolling, or silence. Sometimes it’s loud and fiery, sometimes it’s hidden under years of politeness and accommodation.

Many of the women I work with say things like:

“I don’t want to be the angry one in the relationship.”

“I don’t want to scare him off.”

“I know I’m upset, but I feel like I should just get over it.”

But here’s the truth I share with the couples I work with in Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, and Manhattan Beach (and all over California via online therapy): anger is an invitation.

It’s not a threat to connection it’s a signal. It says, “Pay attention. Something matters here.” Because when anger is expressed with clarity, not blame, it has the power to create real connection. Yes, even in conflict.

How Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Anger Without Shame

Therapy gives you a space where anger isn’t judged, but it’s welcomed with curiosity. We slow down enough to ask: What is this feeling protecting? What is it pointing to? Together, we untangle old beliefs that told you anger makes you unlovable or dangerous. Instead of suppressing or exploding, you begin to feel your anger with clarity, communicate it with intention, and use it to advocate for yourself and your relationships. Whether we’re working individually or in couples therapy, this isn’t about “fixing” your anger; it’s about honoring it as part of your emotional truth.

What Anger Is Trying to Tell You

Anger protects what we care about. It shows up when our boundaries have been crossed, when our values have been dismissed, when our needs have gone unmet for too long.

But for many women, it takes time to reconnect with anger in a way that feels safe. That’s where therapy comes in.

In session, we might explore:

What were you taught about anger growing up?

How did your caregivers model (or not model) conflict?

How does anger feel in your body?

What happens when you express anger in your relationship?

And maybe most importantly: What could shift in your life if you didn’t feel ashamed of your anger but instead trusted it?

The Couple’s Work: Making Space for Emotional Truth

In my couples therapy work, especially with partners who are therapists or highly emotionally aware, we often untangle how anger has been used or misused in the relationship.

And when we bring in Imago-informed principles for couples therapy, we get curious about what each partner’s anger is really about. We slow it down. We look at what childhood narratives may be playing out. We explore the protective parts of ourselves that learned to go quiet or go off.

Anger can be a path to deeper connection when we learn how to express it without blame, receive it without defensiveness, and stay curious about its roots.

You Are Not “Too Much.” You Are a Whole Person.

If this resonates, if you’re tired of stuffing down your anger or apologizing for having feelings, you are not alone.

In therapy, whether we’re working one-on-one or in couples sessions, we make space for your full range. That includes grief, fear, joy, and yes anger. Because reclaiming your anger is part of reclaiming you.

Whether you’re located in Hermosa Beach, just up the road in Manhattan Beach or Redondo Beach, or seeking online therapy from anywhere in California, I’m here to walk with you through that reconnection.

Let’s make space for the fire. You don’t have to put it out. You just have to learn how to sit with it, and see what it’s trying to tell you.