How to stop reacting and start responding
We’ve all been there—your partner says something that rubs you the wrong way, and before you know it, you’re firing back with a sharp retort. Or maybe you shut down, retreating into silence to avoid saying something you’ll regret. This is reacting—our knee-jerk, emotional response to conflict. But what if there was another way? What if, instead of reacting, you could respond?
If you’ve ever found yourself caught in a cycle of knee-jerk reactions that only make things worse, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common challenges couples face in relationships. And the good news? Therapy—whether couples therapy or individual therapy—can help you shift from reactive communication to a more thoughtful, intentional way of interacting with your partner.
The Difference Between Reacting and Responding
Reacting happens in the heat of the moment, often driven by an activated nervous system. When we feel attacked or triggered, our brains go into fight-or-flight mode, and we either lash out or withdraw. Reacting is fast, defensive, and often leads to escalation rather than resolution.
Responding, on the other hand, requires pausing, processing, and choosing a course of action that aligns with your values. It involves regulating your emotions so that you can communicate in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than damaging it.
As a therapist who works with individuals and couples, I can confidently say that number one key to healthy communication is the ability to respond rather than react. Reactivity often stems from unresolved emotional wounds or unmet needs, while responding comes from a place of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Why Do We React Instead of Responding?
Our nervous system plays a huge role in this. When we perceive a threat (even an emotional one, like feeling criticized or rejected), our body gears up for survival. If you’ve ever felt your heart race, your stomach drop, or your hands shake during an argument, that’s your nervous system in action.But what feels like a threat in the moment is often not a real danger—it’s just an uncomfortable emotion. The key to responding rather than reacting is learning to regulate that initial surge of emotion so that you can engage in the conversation with clarity and care.
This is where therapy in Hermosa Beach can make a huge difference. Individual therapy can help you recognize patterns of reactivity that may have been ingrained since childhood. If you grew up in a home where anger meant yelling or shutting down was the norm, it’s no surprise that those patterns show up in your relationship today. Through therapy, you can learn tools to regulate your nervous system, process past emotional wounds, and develop a healthier way of communicating.
How to Shift from Reacting to Responding
- Pause Before You Speak
When you feel triggered, take a deep breath. Give yourself a moment to recognize what’s happening before reacting. A short pause can prevent unnecessary conflict. - Notice What’s Happening in Your Body
Is your heart racing? Are your fists clenching? Noticing these signals can help you ground yourself before responding. - Label Your Emotion
Instead of saying, “You’re so inconsiderate!” try, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now.” Naming your feelings can help shift from blame to understanding. - Ask Yourself What You Need
Are you needing reassurance? Clarity? A break? Identifying your needs can help you communicate them more effectively. - Practice Self-Soothing Techniques
Techniques like deep breathing, stepping away for a few minutes, or even squeezing a stress ball can help calm your nervous system. - Reframe the Situation
Instead of assuming the worst, try considering a different perspective. Maybe your partner didn’t mean to hurt you, and their words came out wrong.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in reactive patterns, couples therapy in Hermosa Beach can help. A therapist can guide you in recognizing triggers, practicing emotional regulation, and improving your ability to communicate in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict.
Research from The Gottman Institute suggests that the difference between happy and unhappy couples isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s how they handle it. Responding rather than reacting allows couples to navigate disagreements with respect and understanding, strengthening their emotional bond.
How Individual Therapy Can Help
While couples therapy can be incredibly beneficial, individual therapy in Hermosa Beach can also be a game-changer when it comes to shifting your communication patterns. If you find yourself reacting in ways that don’t align with who you want to be in your relationship, individual therapy can help you explore what’s underneath those reactions. Maybe it’s old wounds from past relationships, childhood experiences, or stress and anxiety that make it hard to stay calm in the moment. Whatever the case, therapy provides a space to work through these challenges and develop healthier ways of responding.
Final Thoughts
Reacting is easy. Responding takes effort. But the more you practice, the more natural it becomes. By choosing to respond instead of react, you create a relationship dynamic built on safety, trust, and open communication—one where both partners feel heard and valued.Need help shifting from reactive to responsive communication? Whether you’re looking for couples therapy or individual therapy in Hermosa Beach, therapy can support you in breaking unhealthy patterns and building a relationship grounded in emotional safety and connection.
