Why We Self-Sabotage (and How Therapy Can Help You Stop)

Ever feel like just when things start going well—boom—you somehow mess it up? Like you’re standing in your own way? That’s self-sabotage. And trust me, it’s more common than you think. As a therapist in Hermosa Beach, I see it all the time in individual therapy and even in couples therapy. It’s that frustrating pattern of getting so close to something you really want, only to hit the brakes… hard.

Self-sabotage isn’t always loud and obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle—like procrastinating, holding yourself to impossible standards, or blaming others when things go sideways. Deep down, it’s like there’s a tug-of-war going on inside: one part of you is ready to succeed, and the other part is terrified of what success might mean.

A lot of people explore this through individual therapy in Hermosa Beach or therapy in South Bay, trying to make sense of why they feel stuck—why they keep spinning their wheels despite how badly they want to move forward.

How Self-Sabotage Sneaks In

It might come from that inner critic whispering: “You’re not good enough.” Or maybe it shows up as anxiety, dread, or that heavy feeling in your chest when an exciting opportunity comes your way. And sometimes, you don’t even know what’s holding you back—just that something is.

Self-sabotage builds a wall between you and the life you actually want to live. The more it shows up, the more it feeds into feelings of doubt and low self-worth. Therapy in Hermosa Beach or therapy in South Bay can help you break out of that loop—and yes, you really can get out of it.

Why Do We Do This to Ourselves?

Here’s the thing: self-sabotage doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s usually tied to past experiences, emotional wounds, or limiting beliefs we’ve picked up along the way. That’s where therapy comes in—to gently dig into the why behind it all. Here are a few common roots of self-sabotage:

1. Low Self-Esteem

If you’ve ever thought, “Why even try? I’m just going to fail anyway,” you’re not alone. Low self-esteem is one of the biggest drivers of self-sabotage. It’s like a broken record in your brain, convincing you that success isn’t for you.

People-pleasing is often tangled up in this, too—prioritizing everyone else’s needs while quietly telling yourself that yours don’t matter. Spoiler alert: they do.

2. Fear of the Unknown

Change is hard—even when it’s good. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves simply because we’re scared of what happens after we succeed. What if things change too much? What if we lose control? What if we can’t handle it?

So we play small. Stay stuck. Tell ourselves we’re “not ready.” But therapy can help you challenge those fears and start building trust in yourself.

3. The Illusion of Control

Here’s a twist: self-sabotage can actually make us feel in control. If we expect failure, then messing things up on purpose makes the fall feel… a little less painful. At least we saw it coming, right?

But let’s be real: choosing failure to avoid disappointment is still disappointment. Therapy helps you untangle that and create safer, more empowering ways to handle vulnerability.

4. Childhood Wounds

If you grew up feeling like you had to earn love, prove your worth, or keep people happy to feel safe, those messages don’t just vanish when you become an adult. They stick around, quietly influencing how you show up in relationships and how you treat yourself.

Many people in individual therapy in Hermosa Beach come in with this realization: “I’m doing everything right… so why do I still feel like I’m not enough?” That’s the work—unpacking the early experiences and rewriting those old scripts.

5. Cognitive Dissonance

When your beliefs about yourself don’t match up with what you say you want, things get messy. You might tell yourself you want to succeed—but if some part of you still believes you don’t deserve it, your behavior will usually match thatbelief instead.

Therapy helps bring those beliefs into the light and start shifting them. No more “See? I failed again, just like I thought I would.” We’re rewriting the narrative, one small step at a time.

Signs You Might Be Self-Sabotaging

Not sure if this is your thing? Here are some common signs that self-sabotage might be creeping in:

• Procrastination – Putting things off until the last possible second.
• Negative self-talk – Constantly doubting or criticizing yourself.
• Avoidance – Saying “no” to opportunities because you’re scared to fail—or even succeed.
• Self-destructive habits – Neglecting self-care, overeating, over-drinking, etc.
• Relationship sabotage – Starting fights, pulling away, or choosing partners who aren’t good for you.
• Perfectionism – Setting the bar so high that you can never actually feel good enough.
• People-pleasing – Saying yes when you mean no, and losing yourself in the process.

If you’re nodding along, therapy in Hermosa Beach or therapy in South Bay might be a really good next step.

When to Consider Therapy for Self-Sabotage

If self-sabotage is messing with your relationships, your career, or just your sense of peace—it’s time to get support. You don’t have to keep doing this alone. A therapist can help you:

• Recognize your patterns
• Understand where they come from
• Build healthier habits that support the life you actually want

Whether you’re working through this in individual therapy or couples therapy, the process is about learning to show up for yourself in a whole new way.

How Therapy Can Help You Break the Cycle

Working with a therapist in Hermosa Beach means you get to slow down and explore what’s really going on beneath the surface. Together, you can:

• Build self-awareness – Spot those sneaky patterns before they derail you.
• Challenge old beliefs – Get curious about where your limiting beliefs come from, and learn how to shift them.
• Set goals that feel doable – Not everything has to be a massive leap. Small, consistent steps are powerful.
• Heal from the past – Those childhood wounds? They don’t have to run the show anymore.

Therapy gives you space to be real, get unstuck, and move forward—with support, not shame.If you’re tired of getting in your own way, maybe it’s time for a new approach. Therapy in Hermosa Beach or therapy in South Bay can help you quiet that inner saboteur and start showing up for the life you actually want. Let’s talk!