As a couples therapist, I often witness the profound impact that effective communication can have on relationships. One approach that I find particularly powerful in fostering understanding and connection is Nonviolent Communication (NVC). In this blog, we’ll explore the four key components of NVC and how they can help couples navigate challenges and deepen their bond.

Observations: Building Common Ground

In Nonviolent Communication, observations serve as the foundation for meaningful dialogue. It’s about distinguishing facts from interpretations and judgments. Think of it as viewing a situation through the lens of a neutral observer, like a camera recording events without bias.

For couples, this means focusing on what specifically happened rather than assigning blame or making assumptions. By sticking to objective observations, couples can avoid triggering defensiveness and create a shared understanding of the situation.

For example: judgment sounds like “You cannot be bothered to come on time,” while observation sounds like “You were late to your appointments last 3 times.” Or judgment “You are procrastinating around this decision” is different than observation “You are taking longer than I would like around this decision.”

Feelings: Connecting with Emotions

The second step of NVC involves identifying and expressing feelings. This is where couples tap into their emotional landscape and explore how they’re truly feeling in response to a situation.

In therapy sessions, we often encourage couples to go beyond surface-level emotions and delve deeper into what’s really going on beneath the surface. By expressing vulnerable feelings and listening empathically to each other, couples can cultivate a greater sense of intimacy and empathy.

When communicating our feelings, it’s crucial to avoid conflating them with our interpretations of others’ actions or our thoughts. In Nonviolent Communication, expressing feelings involves distinguishing them from interpretations of others’ behavior or descriptions of our thoughts. Sometimes, individuals mistakenly begin with “I feel…” but then proceed to share thoughts or judgments rather than genuine feelings.

For example: “I feel you are annoying me on purpose” is a thought. “I feel annoyed when you keep asking questions about my relationship because I told you I don’t want to talk about it.”

In the first example, we are thinking/assuming that what someone is doing. In the second example, we are expressing our feeling, owning up to it, and giving an explanation as to why we feel annoyed. 

“You make me feel exhausted” signals blame and judgment. “I feel exhausted when I have to collect all your dirty clothes from the floor because it takes long time.”

Needs: Understanding What Matters

Needs lie at the heart of Nonviolent Communication. They represent our fundamental desires and values, driving our emotions and actions. Identifying and articulating our needs allows us to connect with ourselves and our partners on a deeper level.

In therapy, we help couples explore their core needs and how they can be met within the relationship. By focusing on shared values and mutual understanding, couples can cultivate a stronger foundation for their partnership.

Requests: Fostering Collaboration

The final step of NVC involves making clear and respectful requests. It’s about expressing our needs and desires in a way that invites cooperation rather than coercion.

In therapy sessions, we guide couples in formulating requests that are specific, actionable, and considerate of each other’s boundaries. By practicing active listening and responding with empathy, couples can create a supportive environment where both partners feel heard and valued. I’d love to be part of your journey towards a more loving and fulfilling relationship; reach out here.

We have to be mindful that requests are requests and not demand; they are specific instead of vague; they are possible to fulfill; and they focus on what we want and not on what we don’t want.