While shame in smaller doses is a natural part of life, toxic shame is when it becomes all-consuming. Toxic shame is more intense, long-lasting, and can deeply damage how we see ourselves. Unlike the shame that comes and goes, toxic shame sticks. It becomes ingrained in our self-identity, making us feel like we’re inherently flawed.

In some cases, toxic shame can develop from early childhood experiences—maybe you grew up with parents who were overly critical or who didn’t provide the emotional support you needed. Over time, this can cause you to internalize shame as a part of who you are, rather than something related to specific events. When this happens, shame becomes toxic. It’s no longer about feeling bad for a mistake or a misstep; it’s about feeling like you are the mistake.

John Bradshaw, who wrote Healing the Shame that Binds You, explains that toxic shame is often at the root of many mental health issues, like depression, anxiety, and even addiction. Because it’s so deeply rooted in our identity, it can make us feel like we’re unworthy of love and connection. This can lead to all sorts of struggles in relationships, like difficulty trusting others, fear of intimacy, or pushing people away because you believe they’ll reject you once they see the “real” you.

The good news is that shame—whether it’s situational or toxic—doesn’t have to control your life. One of the most effective ways to work through shame is to bring it into the light. Shame thrives in secrecy and silence. By talking about it, you take away some of its power. When you share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist, you create space for healing. The act of naming your shame can be incredibly freeing because it’s no longer something you’re carrying alone.

Another important part of healing from shame is recognizing that it doesn’t define you. Mistakes or imperfections don’t make you unworthy of love or connection. We all mess up, and that’s part of being human. When you can separate your actions from your identity, it becomes easier to acknowledge a mistake without feeling like it speaks to your worth as a person.

Developing self-compassion is a powerful tool in working through shame. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a close friend. If a friend came to you feeling embarrassed or ashamed, you wouldn’t criticize them or tell them they’re unworthy, right? So why do that to yourself? By offering yourself grace and understanding in moments of shame, you can begin to heal from its effects.

Therapy offers a variety of approaches to help individuals navigate complex feelings like shame. Each method serves a different purpose, allowing you to explore what works best for your unique experience.

One common approach is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It helps you recognize negative thought patterns that contribute to shame and encourages you to reframe them into more constructive, empowering thoughts. You’ll begin to notice how certain beliefs you hold about yourself, like "I'm not good enough" or "I always fail," are not fixed truths. Together, we'll challenge these beliefs and help you develop healthier ways of thinking.

Another approach is Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE). With this, you gradually face the situations or memories that trigger feelings of shame or guilt in a safe and controlled way. Over time, this exposure helps reduce the intensity of those feelings, allowing you to move through them with less anxiety or distress.

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) helps you make sense of the ways trauma has shaped your emotional life. By revisiting how trauma affects your thoughts and actions, you can learn new ways to process difficult memories and the shame that often accompanies them.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) involves specific eye movements that can assist in processing traumatic memories, making it easier to untangle shame from the emotional response tied to those past experiences.

Psychodynamic therapy, on the other hand, takes a deeper dive. It helps uncover the root causes of your shame, going beyond just the symptoms, so we can work through what lies beneath.

Additionally, there are therapies that focus on specific aspects of self-compassion and relationships. For instance, Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) helps people who tend to be harsh on themselves develop a kinder, more compassionate relationship with their emotions. In contrast, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can assist partners in building trust and empathy, which is especially helpful if shame is affecting the closeness of your relationship.

We will center on several key areas:

Acceptance: We tend to avoid uncomfortable emotions like shame because they make us feel vulnerable and flawed. But instead of pushing those feelings away, we’re going to focus on embracing them. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like or invite shame into your life—it simply means making room for those emotions when they arise, without judgment. Over time, the more you allow yourself to experience these feelings, the less intense they’ll seem. It’s counterintuitive, but the more you accept shame, the less power it holds over you.

Cognitive Defusion: Thoughts like "I'm unlovable" or "I’m not good enough" can feel overwhelming, but cognitive defusion helps create distance between you and these self-critical thoughts. We’ll explore how these thoughts are just one way of interpreting a situation—not the only truth. This allows you to step back from them, view them as passing ideas rather than concrete facts, and regain control over how you react to them.

Being Present: So much of shame lives in either the past—replaying moments when you think you failed—or the future, where you're worried about repeating the same mistakes. Being present involves grounding yourself in the here and now. Together, we'll work on mindfulness techniques to bring your attention to what is happening right in front of you, rather than what has happened or could happen. When you practice staying in the moment, you spend less time being critical of yourself or others.

The Observing Self: Often, we feel ashamed because we’re viewing our lives through the lens of past experiences or anxieties. Learning to observe yourself in the moment allows you to understand that while you're experiencing shame, it doesn’t define you. This practice helps you step back and see the situation more clearly without letting emotions cloud your judgment. It’s about creating a separation between who you are and what you're feeling.

Values – What Truly Matters to You: Our values guide our decisions and actions, but sometimes shame can skew our understanding of what really matters. When life gets overwhelming, it’s easy to lose touch with your core values. By clarifying what’s most important to you—what you stand for, how you want to live, and what you object to—we can create a roadmap for how to overcome shame. We'll reflect on questions like, "What do I want to be remembered for?" and "What do I truly care about?" to help you reconnect with your values.

Taking Committed Action: Finally, once you have a clearer sense of your values and have embraced your emotions, it’s time to take action. Committed actions are concrete steps aligned with the life you want to lead, despite feelings of shame. This might involve setting small, achievable goals that move you closer to living in line with your values. Or, it could mean intentionally exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations to reduce the power they have over you. The key is consistency—practicing new behaviors that reflect the person you want to become.
Each of these strategies is designed to help you navigate and ultimately transform your relationship with shame. Remember, it’s not about eliminating shame altogether—it's about learning how to live with it in a way that doesn't hold you back from living your life fully and authentically.