subject spotlight
Therapy for self-sabotaging
Self-sabotage is when we actively, though often unconsciously, prevent ourselves from achieving the things we want most. It’s those behaviors, thoughts, or patterns that seem to pop up just when things are going well, or when we’re on the verge of success. These actions block us from reaching our full potential, whether it's in our work, relationships, or personal growth.
What makes self-sabotage so tricky is that it can show up in all sorts of sneaky ways—sometimes we’re not even aware that we’re doing it. It can look like procrastination, holding ourselves to impossible standards, or finding reasons to blame others for our setbacks. At the heart of it, self-sabotage is like an internal tug-of-war: a part of us wants to succeed, but another part is afraid of what success might mean.
For some people, self-sabotage is triggered by an internal critical voice—a voice that says things like, “You’re not good enough” or “You don’t deserve this.” For others, it might show up as feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or even a physical sense of dread when they’re faced with opportunities for growth. And sometimes, we don’t even know what’s holding us back; we just feel stuck, as though no matter how hard we try, we’re spinning our wheels.
Self-sabotage creates a barrier between us and our happiness. It keeps us from feeling comfortable, confident, and content in our lives. And the more we engage in it, the more it feeds into insecurities and undermines our self-esteem.
It’s important to understand that self-sabotage doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Often, there are deeper reasons—rooted in our past experiences, emotions, or beliefs—that drive this behavior. When we look at these underlying causes, we can begin to unravel why we’re holding ourselves back and start to make changes. Here are a few common reasons why we might self-sabotage:
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Self-sabotage and low self-esteem often go hand-in-hand. When we don’t feel worthy or confident in ourselves, we might unconsciously act in ways that confirm this belief. We might think, “If I’m not good enough, why even try?” This mindset can make it difficult to pursue our goals or believe that we deserve success and happiness.
People-pleasing tendencies often stem from low self-esteem as well. We may prioritize others’ needs over our own, thinking that we’re only valuable if we’re making others happy. This can lead us to neglect our own goals and desires, reinforcing the idea that we don’t deserve to succeed.
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
Humans are creatures of habit, and change—even positive change—can feel scary. When faced with new opportunities, we might cling to old habits or routines, even if they’re no longer serving us. This fear of the unknown can paralyze us, leading us to stay stuck in self-sabotaging behaviors because, in a strange way, they feel familiar and safe.
We might worry, “What if I fail?” or even “What if I succeed, and everything changes?” These fears can keep us from taking risks or moving forward, even when the rewards on the other side are worth it.
DESIRE FOR CONTROL
Sometimes, self-sabotage is about maintaining a sense of control. If we’re already convinced that we’re going to fail, sabotaging ourselves ensures that we’re the ones in control of that failure. It’s a way of protecting ourselves from the disappointment or hurt that might come if things don’t work out. In other words, we might think, “If I make myself fail, at least I won’t be caught off guard.”
This might seem counterintuitive, but it’s a defense mechanism designed to shield us from the pain of feeling out of control or vulnerable.
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
Experiences from childhood can have a profound impact on the way we view ourselves and the world. If we were criticized, neglected, or made to feel inadequate growing up, those early messages can stick with us, shaping our beliefs about ourselves as adults.
When we’ve internalized the idea that we’re not good enough, we’re more likely to engage in self-sabotage. We might feel anxious about being liked or worry that we’ll let others down, so we put their needs ahead of our own, never allowing ourselves to thrive. Over time, these patterns reinforce feelings of insecurity and make it harder to believe that we deserve success.
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we feel when we hold two conflicting beliefs. For example, you might genuinely want to succeed, but also believe deep down that you’re not deserving of success. These conflicting beliefs create tension, and self-sabotage becomes a way of resolving that tension.
In this case, the self-sabotaging behavior aligns with the negative belief (“I’m not deserving”), which then eases the discomfort. It’s like saying, “See? I failed, just like I thought I would.” The problem is, this keeps us stuck in a loop of reinforcing negative thoughts and limiting beliefs.
Why Do We Sabotage Ourselves?
- Procrastination: Putting off important tasks, especially when they’re tied to achieving something meaningful.
- Negative Self-Talk: Constantly criticizing yourself or doubting your abilities.
- Avoidance: Turning down opportunities because you’re afraid of failing—or sometimes, even succeeding.
- Self-Destructive Habits: Engaging in behaviors that harm your physical or emotional well-being, such as overeating, excessive drinking, or neglecting self-care.
- Relationship Issues: Picking unnecessary fights or creating distance with loved ones, even when things are going well.
- Unhealthy Relationships: Staying in relationships with people who don’t support or respect you, often because you don’t believe you deserve better.
- Perfectionism: Holding yourself to impossibly high standards, which can make it hard to feel accomplished or proud of your achievements.
- People-Pleasing: Always putting others’ needs ahead of your own, even when it harms your well-being.
Signs of Self-Sabotage
- Your self-sabotage is interfering with your daily life, career, or relationships.
- You recognize these patterns but feel unable to stop them on your own.
- You’re experiencing overwhelming emotions, like anxiety, guilt, or sadness, alongside the self-sabotaging behavior.
- You suspect that childhood experiences or trauma are driving these behaviors, and you need help exploring and healing these issues.
When to Seek Therapy for Self-Sabotage
- Develop Self-Awareness: The first step in changing self-sabotaging behavior is recognizing it. A therapist can help you identify your patterns, understand the thoughts and emotions driving them, and begin to see how they’re holding you back.
- Challenge Negative Beliefs: Many of our self-sabotaging behaviors stem from deep-seated beliefs that we’re not good enough or don’t deserve success. In therapy, you can challenge these beliefs, explore where they come from, and start to reframe them in healthier, more empowering ways.
- Set Achievable Goals: Making big changes can feel overwhelming, so therapy often focuses on setting smaller, more manageable goals. By breaking things down into achievable steps, you can build momentum and confidence, celebrating each small victory along the way.
- Heal Past Wounds: If childhood trauma or past experiences are contributing to your self-sabotage, therapy can help you process and heal those wounds. By addressing the root causes, you can begin to break free from the patterns that have been holding you back.
