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Why Do We Fall in Love? The Journey of Love, Conflict, and Healing
What’s really happening when we fall in love or face conflict in our relationships? And why do some couples seem to face a constant uphill battle? These questions dig into the deeper dynamics of love, how we grow, and what we seek in a partner. Understanding these forces can reveal not only why we fall in love but how relationships help us heal old wounds—especially with support like couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, where many come to reconnect and understand themselves and each other on a deeper level.
From a young age, we’re naturally primed to experience the world as joyful and secure—if our needs are consistently met by caregivers who provide warmth, safety, and comfort. But even well-intentioned parents can’t meet every need or respond perfectly. Busy schedules, stress, and life’s own challenges may lead us to feel insecure or misunderstood at times. As kids, when we don’t have the resources to manage these disappointments, we adopt coping mechanisms, like being “the quiet one,” “the pleaser,” or retreating inward. These responses help us adapt but also start to shape our identity around seeking approval and avoiding rejection.
As we grow, we naturally carry these patterns into adulthood. We may look like mature adults on the outside, but inside, we’re still hoping to feel the completeness we once had (or hoped for). So, when we fall in love, it feels like we’ve found a missing piece that brings back that sense of safety, joy, and acceptance. At first, everything feels right: we’re funnier, smarter, more giving, and finally feel “whole” again. But this phase rarely lasts forever.
After the initial glow, something shifts. Couples who were once infatuated begin to notice each other’s flaws. What used to be endearing might now feel irritating. These frustrations can lead to a cycle of arguments, disappointment, and even resentment. Our partner doesn’t seem to provide the love and safety we once felt. So we try different tactics to get back to that feeling—whether by criticizing, withdrawing, or negotiating for more time and attention. These patterns can lead to a power struggle, which, without intervention, can last for years.
Why does this happen? We often choose partners who reflect both the positive and challenging traits of our early caregivers—the people who first influenced our emotional blueprint. While consciously, we’re drawn to their strengths, unconsciously, we’re also drawn to familiar shortcomings, hoping to “fix” the old wounds from our past.
Why Falling in Love Can Go Wrong
The Purpose of Conflict in Relationships
This journey from “me vs. you” to “us” shifts the focus to mutual growth. By exploring our partner’s perspective, we begin to appreciate their unique world—how they see, think, and feel. Over time, the goal isn’t to “fix” our partner, but to build a relationship where both people feel safe to show up as their whole selves.
The Power of Conscious Communication
In a conscious relationship, we grow by stretching beyond our comfort zones. True love involves making changes—not by sacrificing our needs but by learning to give our partner what they need most, even if it doesn’t come naturally to us. This growth process, called “stretching,” is transformative; it helps us reclaim the parts of ourselves that got lost along the way and deepens our bond with our partner.
Over time, as both partners practice giving and receiving love with intention, the pain from past wounds fades, and the relationship becomes a space for connection and mutual respect. We see each other not as mirrors of our unmet needs but as people with individual experiences, dreams, and perspectives. This shift can be the beginning of lasting intimacy and fulfillment.
Finding True Love Through Growth and Change
Couples therapy offers a supportive space for partners to navigate the challenges of relational healing. In therapy in Hermosa Beach and the South Bay, a skilled therapist helps couples identify old patterns and deepen their communication. Therapy is more than problem-solving; it’s a journey toward understanding why we were drawn to each other and how we can grow together. Through therapy, couples learn tools for open communication, empathy, and mutual support, so that rather than reliving the pain of the past, they can build a relationship that honors each other’s true selves. With the guidance of a therapist in Hermosa Beach, couples can turn challenges into opportunities for growth, creating a more connected and resilient partnership.
