subject spotlight
Therapy for avoidance/ shutting down
So, you’re in a relationship. Congrats! But, if you’re like most couples, at some point, you’ve probably noticed this weird back-and-forth dynamic. You want to connect, but your partner is hiding in the other room. Or maybe you’re the one making excuses to avoid the third “let’s talk” of the week. This, my friends, is what we call the pursuer-distancer dynamic. And understanding it is like unlocking the cheat code to your relationship.
As a therapist in Hermosa Beach, I see this dance all the time in couples therapy. Spoiler alert: if you’re stuck in this pattern, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. But it is something you’ll want to work through if you want to avoid feeling like roommates who occasionally high-five.
Let’s break it down: the pursuer-distancer dynamic is when one person in the relationship is all about closeness (the pursuer), while the other person is like, “Cool it, I need some space” (the distancer). It’s a common pattern that can feel frustrating—because the more the pursuer pushes, the more the distancer pulls away. Cue the emotional tug-of-war.
At the heart of this dynamic is usually attachment style. The pursuer may have an anxious attachment, which means they crave reassurance and connection. On the flip side, the distancer likely has an avoidant attachment style, valuing independence and emotional space. Neither approach is "wrong," but when they clash, it can feel like you’re speaking two completely different love languages.
What Is the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic?
Some common behaviors of the pursuer:
- Initiating conversations about the relationship or feelings.
- Seeking constant reassurance (“Are we okay?”).
- Feeling anxious or rejected when their partner needs space.
- Reading into any silence or emotional distance as a sign of disinterest or trouble.
Now, let’s be clear: wanting connection isn’t a bad thing! The problem comes when this need for closeness turns into an anxious chase, leaving the pursuer feeling like they’re always running after their partner, emotionally speaking. It’s exhausting for both people and can leave the pursuer feeling rejected or needy—when all they want is a little love and attention.
The Pursuer: Let’s Get Really Close (No, *Really* Close)
On the other side of this dynamic is the distancer. If the pursuer is sprinting toward connection, the distancer is casually strolling in the opposite direction, headphones in, listening to their favorite podcast. They’re not intentionally trying to hurt anyone—they just value their emotional independence and, quite frankly, they need to protect themselves from getting overwhelmed.
Some distancer tendencies:
- Needing more emotional space (and being okay with a little distance).
- Avoiding heavy or frequent conversations about the relationship.
- Feeling smothered when their partner wants to connect too much or too often.
- Tuning out emotionally or physically retreating when they feel pressure to engage.
Distancers might feel like they’re doing their best to keep things calm and under control, but their pulling away can send the wrong message. For the pursuer, it’s like hitting a brick wall—leading to even more attempts to close the emotional gap, which (surprise!) makes the distancer retreat even more.
The Distancer: Can We Not Talk About Feelings Right Now?
Here’s how it often goes: the pursuer senses the emotional gap and steps in, wanting to talk, connect, and sort things out. The distancer, already feeling a little overwhelmed, sees this as emotional overload and pulls back. The pursuer feels rejected and amps up their efforts, which in turn makes the distancer retreat even further. And so the cycle continues.
Over time, this pattern can create real tension in the relationship. The pursuer ends up feeling like they’re doing all the emotional work, while the distancer feels like they can never get a moment of peace. It’s a classic push-pull situation, where both partners feel like they’re losing—even though they’re both trying to protect their own emotional needs.
Long-Term Consequences of the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic
Let’s be real: if you let this dynamic run on autopilot, things can get rocky. Over time, the pursuer’s constant attempts to connect can feel more like pressure, causing the distancer to shut down even more. Meanwhile, the distancer’s emotional retreat might start to feel like rejection, making the pursuer anxious, insecure, and maybe even resentful.
Without some serious intervention, you might find yourselves living emotionally parallel lives. You’re still in the same house, sharing the same space, but there’s no emotional glue holding things together. It’s not a fun place to be. But the good news? This cycle *can* be broken.
How does this dynamic play out in relationships?
Therapy offers couples the chance to hit pause, step outside the usual dance, and really see what’s happening. In couples therapy, we focus on:
- Identifying emotional triggers: Why does the pursuer feel so anxious? Why does the distancer need space? Understanding the root cause helps both partners show up more compassionately.
- Improving communication: It’s all about speaking the same language. Pursuers learn how to express their need for closeness in ways that don’t overwhelm, while distancers practice staying present and emotionally available.
- Balancing needs: The goal isn’t to turn the distancer into a pursuer (or vice versa). Instead, it’s about meeting somewhere in the middle—where the pursuer feels connected without being clingy, and the distancer feels emotionally safe without retreating.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but some tried-and-true techniques we often use in therapy include:
- Active Listening: This one’s a game-changer. Learning to really *hear* what your partner is saying (without jumping in with your rebuttal) can diffuse tension and foster understanding.
- Mindfulness: Sounds simple, but being present in the moment—rather than getting caught up in what might happen or what did happen—helps both partners stay grounded.
- Psychoeducation: Understanding your own emotional wiring is key. We dive into attachment styles, past relationship patterns, and emotional needs, helping each partner understand where the other is coming from.
Breaking free from the pursuer-distancer dynamic isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely doable. It starts with recognizing the pattern and committing to healthier ways of interacting. Couples therapy gives you the tools to communicate better, build trust, and create a relationship that feels emotionally safe for *both* partners.
And guess what? Once you start breaking the cycle, your relationship doesn’t just survive—it thrives. You’ll find that the push-pull dance starts to fade, replaced by a deeper sense of connection, respect, and emotional intimacy. No more emotional chasing; no more emotional hiding.
Ready to Take the Leap?
If you’re tired of running circles around each other emotionally, it might be time to give couples therapy in Hermosa Beach a try. Therapy isn’t just about fixing what’s broken—it’s about building something even stronger. Whether you’re a pursuer, a distancer, or somewhere in between, therapy can help you break the cycle and create the kind of relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and loved.
