Should I Stay or Should I Go?
No one stands at the altar or moves in with their partner thinking: “Someday, I’ll probably wonder if this should end.” We all start relationships with hope, love, and some kind of vision for the future. Which is why facing the question “Should I stay or should I go?” can feel so devastating.
If you’re wrestling with this decision, you’re not alone. Many of the couples I work with in Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Los Angeles, and across California online come into therapy carrying this exact question in their hearts. It’s not an easy one to ask. And it’s certainly not one to answer lightly.
The truth is, not all struggles in relationships are dealbreakers. In fact, a lot of couples can repair connection when both partners are willing to show up and do the work. But there are also situations that, unless something shifts dramatically, often do not get better. Terrence Real, a therapist who writes powerfully about marriage and partnership, says that conflict isn’t what kills relationships. What kills them is the refusal to engage relationally – the unwillingness to show up with accountability, vulnerability, and a commitment to repair.
So how do you tell the difference between what can heal and what usually cannot? Let’s break it down.
Why This Question Is So Heavy
For most people, leaving a marriage or long-term partnership feels like more than just walking away from a relationship. It can feel like walking away from your history, your family dreams, your identity, or even your sense of self. It is walking away from fantasy you had about your future. Staying, on the other hand, can feel like betraying your needs, your values, and the parts of you that know something isn’t working.
No wonder people stay stuck in limbo for years. You may find yourself bargaining “Maybe if I try harder, it will change” or telling yourself “This is just how marriage is.”
That’s why clarity is so important. Not all pain means you should leave. And not all love means you should stay.
Dealbreakers That Often Make Divorce the Healthier Option
Every relationship has conflict, disappointment, and pain. Those things alone don’t mean it’s over. What matters most is whether repair is possible.
Here are some patterns that usually signal it’s time to step back and ask if staying is harming you more than helping you:
1. Chronic Abuse or Cruelty
If there’s ongoing physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, the relationship cannot heal without profound change. Abuse is not just a “bad habit” – it’s a violation of safety. And without safety, there is no intimacy.
2. Addiction Without Accountability
Addiction itself doesn’t have to end a relationship. Many couples find healing when recovery becomes part of their story. But if your partner denies the problem, refuses treatment or expects you to carry the burden alone, the relationship is not sustainable. The real issue is the refusal to take accountability.
3. Total Disengagement
Some partners completely check out. They stonewall, avoid, or simply refuse to engage in conversations about the relationship. When there’s no willingness to connect aka when one person has opted out emotionally, you can’t build intimacy. As Terrence Real says, you can’t have a relationship with someone who won’t show up.
4. Repeated Betrayals Without Repair
Infidelity or betrayal does not automatically mean the end. Many couples repair after deep rupture. But that healing only happens when the betrayer takes full responsibility, commits to honesty, and rebuilds trust step by step. Without that, betrayal becomes a cycle, not a rupture.
The “Stance Before the Chance”
One of Terrence Real’s most powerful insights is what he calls the stance before the chance. Here’s what it means:
Sometimes, the only way a relationship has a chance to heal is if one partner takes a firm stance, even being willing to leave , o stop enabling destructive patterns.
It’s not about threatening divorce as a weapon. It’s about drawing a boundary from a place of truth: “I cannot continue in this relationship unless something changes.”
This is often the turning point. Sometimes, a partner wakes up and begins to engage. Other times, the refusal to change becomes painfully clear. Either way, clarity brings relief. You stop living in the murky middle.
Struggles That Are Painful but Workable
It’s important not to confuse normal, repairable struggles with true dealbreakers. So many couples come into therapy believing they’re “too far gone,” when in reality, they’re stuck in common but workable cycles.
Here are some issues that can often be healed:
- Communication Breakdowns → Misunderstandings, looping arguments, or never feeling heard. These patterns shift with new skills.
- Loss of Intimacy → Feeling more like roommates than partners. Vulnerability and intentional connection can reignite closeness.
- Conflict Cycles → The classic pursuer-distancer pattern (one pushes, the other withdraws). This dynamic can change with awareness and practice.
- Resentment → Built-up hurts that haven’t been addressed. With accountability and repair, resentment can soften into renewed connection.
The difference here is that both partners are still willing. Willing to listen. Willing to change. Willing to grow. That willingness is everything.
Reflective Questions to Ask Yourself
If you’re in the thick of this decision, it can help to pause and ask:
- Has my partner shown willingness to repair, even if imperfectly?
- Do I feel emotionally and physically safe in this relationship?
- Am I staying out of fear, or out of love and hope?
- If nothing changed, could I live like this five years from now?
- Have I clearly named my boundaries and needs, and has my partner respected them?
These questions don’t give you an instant answer, but they can help you connect with your inner clarity.
Moving Toward Clarity
“Should I stay or should I go?” isn’t a question to answer overnight. It’s a process of reflection, honesty, and sometimes painful truth-telling. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Therapy can help couples see what’s repairable and what’s not. Sometimes, both partners come in ready to grow and leave with a stronger bond than they ever imagined. Other times, therapy helps clarify that letting go is the kindest path forward. Both outcomes are acts of courage.
Final Thoughts
If you’re sitting with this question, know this: choosing to stay and rebuild is not weakness. Choosing to leave is not failure. Both can be acts of strength, depending on your truth.
What matters most is whether both people are willing to engage relationally with accountability, respect, and care. That’s what makes love sustainable. Without that, love alone isn’t enough.
If you’re navigating this crossroads, support is available. Whether through couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Los Angeles, or online therapy across California, you don’t have to sort through this alone.
Clarity is possible. And with clarity, healing begins whether that healing happens inside the relationship or in the life you build after.
