Gaslighting: What It Is, How It Shows Up, and How to Take Your Power Back

Gaslighting isn’t just a buzzword—it’s a manipulative tactic that leaves people questioning their own reality. As a therapist in Hermosa Beach, who works with couples and individuals, I see how this subtle (or not-so-subtle) form of emotional manipulation can erode trust, create self-doubt, and make healthy relationships feel impossible. But here’s the good news: gaslighting thrives in confusion, and clarity is its worst enemy. So let’s get really clear about what gaslighting looks like, how it affects relationships, and—most importantly—what you can do about it.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone causes you to doubt your thoughts, feelings, or memories. It’s a power move—whether intentional or not—that can make you feel confused, anxious, and even like you’re “going crazy.” In relationships, gaslighting often shows up when one partner refuses to take accountability and instead shifts blame or denies reality to maintain control.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in narcissistic abuse, describes gaslighting as a “slow erosion of reality.” It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a pattern—little comments here and there, subtle contradictions, dismissive responses—that make you start second-guessing yourself over time.

Recognizing Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be sneaky, which makes it especially dangerous. Many people don’t even realize it’s happening until they’re deep in the fog of self-doubt. Some key signs include:

• Feeling confused or second-guessing yourself a lot – If you find yourself constantly questioning your memory or perceptions, gaslighting may be at play.
• Apologizing frequently – If you feel like everything is your fault, even when it’s not, that’s a red flag.
• Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells” – If you’re always trying to avoid conflict because you fear being blamed or invalidated, gaslighting may be part of the dynamic.
• Being told that your feelings aren’t real or valid – If someone consistently dismisses your emotions as overreactions, that’s emotional manipulation.
• Constant blame-shifting – Gaslighters rarely take responsibility and will twist situations to make you feel at fault.

How Gaslighting Affects Relationships

As a couples therapist in Hermosa Beach, I see firsthand how gaslighting can damage trust and emotional safety. It creates an unbalanced dynamic where one partner feels unheard, unseen, and unsure of themselves. Over time, this can lead to:

• Chronic self-doubt – You start questioning your own reality and second-guessing your decisions.
• Anxiety and confusion – Constantly wondering, “Am I overreacting? Or are they actually mistreating me?”
• Emotional exhaustion – Trying to prove your reality over and over again is draining.
• Isolation – Gaslighters may convince you that others see you the same way they do, making you withdraw from friends and family.
• Loss of confidence – When someone repeatedly tells you that your feelings are invalid, it can chip away at your self-esteem.

Gaslighting’s Impact on Mental Health

Gaslighting doesn’t just affect relationships—it can take a serious toll on mental health. Many people who experience long-term gaslighting struggle with:

• Anxiety and panic attacks – The constant self-doubt and fear of conflict can lead to heightened stress levels.
• Depression – Feeling powerless and unheard can result in deep sadness and hopelessness.
• Low self-esteem – When someone repeatedly tells you your feelings don’t matter, you may start believing it.
• PTSD-like symptoms – Some people develop hypervigilance and emotional flashbacks as a response to prolonged manipulation.
• Difficulty trusting others – After being gaslit, it can be hard to trust new partners, friends, or even yourself.

Why People Gaslight (and No, It’s Not Always Intentional)

Not everyone who gaslights is a villain twirling their mustache in a dark corner. Some people do it as a defense mechanism because they struggle with taking responsibility. Others grew up in environments where manipulation was normalized. And then, yes, there are people who gaslight as a way to control and dominate.

Whatever the reason, gaslighting is damaging. Understanding why someone does it can help depersonalize their behavior, but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

If you recognize gaslighting in your relationship, first of all—take a deep breath. Awareness is the first step in breaking free from its grip. Here are a few ways to respond:

1. Trust Your Reality

Keep a journal of incidents where you feel gaslit. Writing things down can help reinforce your own experiences and counteract the self-doubt gaslighting creates.

2. Set Boundaries

Gaslighters thrive on breaking down your sense of self. Protect your mental and emotional space by clearly stating your boundaries. Example: “I won’t continue this conversation if my feelings aren’t being respected.”

3. Don’t Engage in Circular Arguments

Gaslighters love to go in circles—denying, deflecting, and exhausting you until you give up. If the conversation isn’t going anywhere, it’s okay to disengage. “We see this differently, and I don’t want to keep arguing about it” can be a great exit line.

4. Seek Outside Perspective

Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can help you gain clarity. Sometimes, an outside perspective is the confirmation you need that, no, you’re not imagining things.

5. Consider Therapy

Individual therapy can help rebuild self-trust and process the emotional toll of gaslighting. Couples therapy can also be a space to work on communication and accountability—if both partners are willing to do the work.

How Therapy Can Help

Gaslighting can feel isolating, but therapy provides a space to regain clarity, confidence, and control over your life. Individual therapy in Hermosa Beach can help you:

• Rebuild self-trust and confidence
• Learn how to set and enforce boundaries
• Process past experiences of manipulation and emotional abuse
• Strengthen your sense of reality and personal agency

For couples experiencing gaslighting, couples therapy in Hermosa Beach can be an opportunity to:

• Improve communication and conflict resolution
• Address unhealthy power dynamics
• Foster emotional safety and mutual respect
• Identify and change damaging patterns before they escalate

Final Thoughts

Gaslighting is one of the most disorienting experiences in a relationship, but awareness is your superpower. If you’re feeling stuck, unsure, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, therapy can help. Whether you’re looking for individual therapy in Hermosa Beach to rebuild your confidence or couples therapy in Hermosa Beach to work through communication issues, you don’t have to navigate this alone.

Your reality is valid. Your feelings are real. And you deserve relationships where both are respected.