How Childhood Wounds and Soulmate Fantasies Impact Real Love (And How Therapy near Manhattan Beach Can Help)

We all grow up with ideas about love: what it should feel like, how it should look, and who we’re “meant” to be with. These beliefs don’t come out of nowhere. They’re shaped by childhood dynamics, cultural messages, and even the fairytales we were told before bedtime. But what happens when those ideas don’t match the reality of being in a relationship?

As a couples therapist in Hermosa Beach, I’ve worked with countless individuals and partners who come to therapy wondering, “Why doesn’t this feel like the kind of love I imagined?” This blog is for you if you’ve ever questioned whether your relationship is “right,” felt let down by love, or struggled to reconcile the messiness of reality with the perfection you expected.

Let’s talk about the difference between fantasy love and real love, how early experiences shape our ideas of partnership, and why learning to accept the imperfect can actually bring you closer than any fairytale ever could.

Life as It Is vs. Life as It’s “Supposed” to Be

So many of us carry a blueprint for how life and love are “supposed” to look. Maybe it’s the perfect house, a partner who reads your mind, or the feeling of constant excitement and passion. But life rarely plays out like that. Real relationships involve messiness, conflict, uncertainty, and growth.

The fantasy version of love often acts as a defense mechanism, a way to protect ourselves from the unpredictability and vulnerability of real emotional intimacy. When we idealize love, we avoid the discomfort of sitting with hard emotions: loneliness, anger, disappointment, or fear. But when we’re busy trying to mold our relationship into a fantasy, we miss the beauty of what’s actually happening in front of us.

In therapy, whether it’s individual therapy or couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, we start to unpack these expectations. When clients begin to differentiate between what they hoped love would be and what it actually is, they often experience both grief and relief. Because while fantasy love is unattainable, real love is sustainable and worth the effort.

How Early Relationships Shape Our View of Love

Our first models of love come from our caregivers. Whether those early bonds felt nurturing, inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or overly critical, they created internal templates for how we expect to be loved. And unless we examine them, we often carry those templates into adulthood.

Sometimes we idealize our parents believing they could do no wrong because as children, it felt too scary to see their flaws. If we admitted they weren’t perfect, it might have made us feel unsafe or unloved. So we built a fantasy around them, one that protected us from hurt. As adults, we may repeat this pattern with romantic partners, putting them on a pedestal until they inevitably fall short.

On the flip side, if our caregivers were critical or emotionally withholding, we may have learned that we had to earn love by being perfect. This can lead to relationships where we either over-perform or self-abandon to stay connected. It’s exhausting, and it’s not love- it’s survival.

In individual therapy in Hermosa Beach or online therapy across California, we take a compassionate look at these early experiences. Understanding where our patterns come from allows us to rewrite them, so we can show up in our relationships from a place of authenticity, not unconscious fear.

The Soulmate Myth: Longing for Someone to Rescue Us

The idea of a soulmate is comforting; it gives us hope that there’s one person out there who will make everything feel easier, safer, and more meaningful. But when we rely on that narrative to define what love should be, it sets us up for disappointment.

Most people who cling to the idea of a “perfect” partner are unknowingly trying to heal childhood wounds. Maybe you felt emotionally alone as a kid, or craved validation that never came. That yearning can easily morph into the belief that your partner should now meet all those unmet needs. And when they can’t? You feel disillusioned, hurt, or even abandoned.

But the truth is: no one can complete you. And real love doesn’t mean never feeling lonely, misunderstood, or triggered. In couples therapy, we explore how to build a relationship where both people are allowed to be human: flawed, evolving, and still deeply worthy of love.

What Real Love Looks Like

So if love isn’t about perfection or someone “completing” you, what is it about?

Real love means:

Choosing each other again and again, even on hard days

Allowing space for each other’s humanity

Communicating openly, even when it’s uncomfortable

Validating each other’s emotions instead of trying to fix them

Working through conflict instead of avoiding it

Building safety and trust through consistency

Real love isn’t flashy or dramatic. It’s steady, vulnerable, and rooted in the willingness to grow together.

In my practice offering counseling in Hermosa Beach, and to clients across California through online therapy, I support individuals and couples as they shift from romanticized expectations to grounded connection. It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it.

Letting Go of the Fairytale (and Why That’s a Good Thing)

When we stop chasing the fantasy and start embracing reality, love becomes more accessible and less anxiety-inducing. There’s no pressure to be perfect or to fix your partner. There’s just a commitment to show up, do the work, and offer compassion both to yourself and the person you’re with.

This is especially important for people in high-pressure environments or those who struggle with vulnerability. In individual therapy in the South Bay, we build the emotional safety needed to be seen as we are, not as who we think we’re supposed to be.

And if you and your partner are feeling stuck in cycles of disappointment, misunderstanding, or emotional disconnection, couples therapy in Hermosa Beach or online therapy in California can help you rebuild from a place of realism, not resentment.

Final Thoughts: Redefining Love On Your Own Terms

Real love isn’t about being swept off your feet; it’s about standing firmly beside someone, choosing them again and again, and knowing they choose you back.

It means accepting that love won’t always look how you imagined and realizing that’s actually a gift. Because real love allows you to be whole, not just idealized. It allows space for growth, imperfection, and intimacy that deepens over time.

If you’re ready to move beyond fantasy and cultivate relationships that are honest, resilient, and emotionally safe, I’d love to help. Whether you’re in Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, Manhattan Beach, or looking for online therapy in California, you don’t have to do this work alone.

Reach out here when you’re ready to begin.