Becoming a mother and learning how to mother yourself

There’s a version of motherhood that gets all the attention. You know the one: the photo-worthy milestones, the cute matching outfits, the “we’re tired but thriving” aesthetic. And then there’s the version most of us actually live—where your kid is crying, your coffee is cold (again), and you’re silently wondering, “Who am I now?”

Motherhood isn’t just a shift in roles—it’s an unraveling and a rebuilding. It peels back the layers of who you were before and calls into question what you believe about love, identity, safety, and self-worth. Underneath the logistical chaos—diaper bags, drop-offs, doctor visits—there’s a deeper emotional shift happening. And if no one has named it for you yet, here it is: you’re not just becoming a mother. You’re also being invited to mother yourself.

What You’re Feeling Has a Name: Matrescence

Matrescence is the psychological, emotional, and spiritual transformation that comes with becoming a mother. It’s a developmental shift that can feel like an identity crisis—because, in many ways, it is. Just like adolescence, matrescence shakes the foundation of how you see yourself and how you relate to the world.

It’s not just about adapting to a new sleep schedule or learning how to swaddle. It’s about navigating a major transformation of self—and often, doing it without a roadmap or support.

As a therapist in Hermosa Beach who works with mothers in individual therapy, couples counseling, and online therapy across California, I see this all the time. So many women come into therapy asking for tools to manage motherhood, but what we often discover is that they’re really asking, “How do I take care of me?”

What Is Self-Parenting and Why Does It Matter?

Self-parenting is the work of turning toward the younger parts of you that didn’t get what they needed—emotionally, relationally, or even physically—and offering them what they’ve always deserved. It’s not about achieving some perfect version of healing. It’s about choosing to show up for yourself with compassion, especially in the moments that feel the most overwhelming.

Self-parenting can look like:

• Pausing when your body feels tight and your patience is gone, and asking: “What do I need right now?”
• Letting yourself feel anger without stuffing it down or letting it explode.
• Naming your grief—not just for what’s happening now, but for the version of you that feels lost.
• Allowing your needs to take up space, even if no one ever taught you how to do that.

It’s not easy work, especially when the demands of motherhood seem endless. But it’s essential. Because when you don’t tend to your own emotional world, it doesn’t just disappear—it shows up in your parenting, your relationships, your inner dialogue.

Why It’s So Hard for Moms to Care for Themselves

Motherhood often rewards invisibility. Be flexible. Be calm. Be accommodating. Be grateful. And if you were raised to be the helper, the peacemaker, or the one who never needed much, it can feel nearly impossible to flip that script.

You might tell yourself things like:

• “I’ll rest when everything’s done.”
• “Everyone else needs me more than I need me.”
• “I’m not doing enough unless I’m exhausted.”

But here’s the truth: that’s not motherhood—it’s self-abandonment. And it’s often rooted in the way you were parented. When no one modeled emotional attunement or made space for your needs, it makes sense that prioritizing yourself now feels foreign. This is why therapy can be such a powerful tool—it gives you a safe space to relearn what care looks like when it’s directed inward.

The Nervous System and Motherhood: Why You Feel So Raw

Here’s the part no one tells you: motherhood lights up your nervous system like a Christmas tree. Your child’s tantrum might not just be a tantrum—it might trigger your own unresolved fear of rejection or abandonment. Your baby’s constant needs might tap into a part of you that never felt securely cared for.

And yet, you’re expected to stay calm, regulated, and emotionally available.

This isn’t just difficult. This is sacred, complex, nervous-system-level work. It requires emotional bandwidth, compassion, and tools you may have never been given. That’s why therapy for mothers isn’t just about “coping”—it’s about rebuilding from the inside out.

Self-Parenting Is Also About Repair

Let’s get this out of the way: you’re going to mess up. You’re going to yell. You’re going to overreact. You’re going to feel like you’re failing.

But self-parenting isn’t about getting it right all the time—it’s about repairing when things go off track. It’s about saying to yourself, “I see what happened. I understand why I reacted that way. And I’m still worthy of kindness and care.”

The same way you’d comfort your child after a meltdown—you can learn to comfort yourself. You can learn to say, “I don’t have to repeat what was done to me. I can choose something different.”

That moment of repair? That’s healing. That’s re-parenting in real time.

In Therapy, We Pause the Pattern

In therapy sessions with moms here in Hermosa Beach—and through online therapy for clients all over California—we take a pause. A real one. Long enough to trace the roots of what’s really going on.

We explore questions like:

• Where did I learn to put everyone else first?
• Why does asking for help feel unsafe?
• What part of me believes I have to earn rest?

And then we start rewriting those old narratives—not with toxic positivity, but with honesty and compassion. Therapy gives you space to tell the truth: about the weight you’re carrying, the fear underneath your burnout, and the hope you still hold for a different way of being.

You’re Allowed to Matter

Here’s what I want you to know: you don’t have to earn the right to rest. You don’t have to prove your worth through exhaustion. You don’t have to keep repeating what hurt you.

You’re allowed to be in process while parenting. You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to be held, not just the holder.

And if the little girl inside of you is whispering, “Who’s going to take care of me?”—that doesn’t make you weak. It makes you aware. It means you’re ready to choose healing instead of hustle.

Therapy Can Help You Reconnect With Yourself

If you’re a mom who feels disconnected, overwhelmed, or like you’ve lost pieces of yourself along the way, therapy can help. Whether you’re looking for individual therapy in Hermosa Beach, couples therapy to reconnect, or online therapy in California that fits into your busy life—we can create space for you.

We can start by noticing the patterns. Listening to the parts of you that feel forgotten. Honoring your story without shame. And from there, we begin to rebuild—not back to who you were, but toward the version of you that can hold your child and yourself with care.

You’re allowed to be held, too.

Let’s begin there.

—Your therapist in Hermosa Beach