Let’s be real—expressing our needs in relationships can feel risky. Maybe you worry about sounding needy or you’ve been burned before when you tried to be honest. But here’s the truth: sharing your needs isn’t selfish; it’s how we create healthy, connected relationships. And if you don’t express them? That’s when resentment, miscommunication, and distance start creeping in.

As a therapist working with individuals and couples, I talk a lot about this—how to own what you need without guilt, fear or frustration. So, let’s break it down and figure out how to spaek up in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than pushing your partner away.

Step One: Get Clear on What You Need (Because Vague Doesn’t Work)

Before you bring anything up to your partner, you need to be clear on what you actually need. What I see a lot in my practice is how most people either suppress their needs (leading to resentment) or explode with frustration (leading to conflict). The key? Identifying and communicating your needs before you hit either extreme.

Ask yourself: What is really bothering me? What would help me feel more secure, supported, or understood?
Get specific—saying “I need more affection” is a start, but “I’d love if we could hug more in the mornings before work” is clearer and easier to act on.
Remind yourself: Your needs are valid, even if they’re different from your partner’s.

Step Two: Ditch the Mind Reading Game

One of the biggest communication point? No one is a mind reader. Your partner might love you, but they can’t meet needs they don’t know exist. So if you find yourself thinking, “They should just know what I need,” pause. That assumption is setting you up for disappointment.

Instead of waiting for your partner to “just know,” say it out loud.
Try: “I feel disconnected when we don’t check in during the day. Can we send each other a text just to say hi?”
Be direct but kind—your needs aren’t demands; they’re invitations for deeper connection.

Step Three: Use ‘I’ Statements (Because Nobody Likes Feeling Blamed)

When we feel unheard, it’s easy to start pointing fingers: “You never listen to me!” or “You don’t care about my feelings.” But as a therapist specializing in relational patterns, I have witness first hand how blame makes people defensive, which shuts down real conversation. Instead, using “I” statements keeps the focus on what you feel and need without turning it into an accusation.

Instead of: “You’re always on your phone and never pay attention to me.”
Try: “I feel lonely when we don’t have time to connect. Can we set aside 20 minutes after dinner to talk?”
The difference? One creates conflict, the other invites understanding.

Step Four: Make Requests, Not Demands

Telling your partner what you need doesn’t mean expecting them to meet it perfectly every time.  At the end of the day, expressing a need is about connection, not control. If your partner feels like they have to meet your needs exactly the way you want, they might shut down. Instead, make a request and be open to collaboration.

Try: “I’d love more words of affirmation from you. Does that feel doable?”
Instead of: “You need to compliment me more.” Give your partner space to respond—maybe they want to meet your need but in a way that feels natural to them.

Step Five: Accept That Some Needs Won’t Be Met (And That’s Okay)

Here’s the reality: No one person can meet all of our needs. Sometimes, we have to meet our own needs or turn to other relationships (friends, family, therapy) for support. That doesn’t mean your partner isn’t enough—it just means we’re human, and no one is perfect at this.

If your patrner struggles with a need you’ve expressed, ask yourself: Are there other ways to get this need met?
Instead of resentment, try self-reflection—Is this a dealbreaker, or can I adjust my expectations?
Accept that needs evolve, and conversations about them should, too.

How Individual and Couples Therapy Can Help

Expressing your needs is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. If you find yourself struggling with communication, therapy in Hermosa Beach can help. Individual therapy can give you a deeper understanding of your own needs, help you build confidence in expressing them, and teach you how to navigate conversations in a way that feels authentic and safe. Couples therapy can provide a space for both partners to express their needs in a structured and supportive environment, improving communication and strengthening the relationship. A therapist in Hermosa Beach can help you and your partner work through communication barriers, build emotional safety, and ensure that both of you feel heard and valued.

Speak Up, Stay Connected

Expressing your needs isn’t about controlling your partner—it’s about giving them the chance to show up for you while also respecting their autonomy. The more you communicate openly, the stronger your relationship becomes. So, take the risk. Say what you need. And remember—healthy communication isn’t about getting everything perfect, it’s about staying connected through the process.

If you and your partner struggle with this, therapy in Hermosa Beach can help. Whether through couples therapy or individual therapy, learning to express your needs in a healthy way can transform your relationship. Ready to make communication easier? Let’s talk.