How Therapy in the South Bay Can Help You Communicate Effectively and Express Your Needs

Let’s be honest: saying what you need in a relationship can feel really vulnerable. You might worry it’ll come off as clingy, dramatic, or too much. Maybe you’ve spoken up in the past and been met with defensiveness or rejection. So now, instead of sharing, you stay silent and hope your partner figures it out. But here’s the truth: expressing your needs isn’t selfish, it’s essential.

As a therapist in Hermosa Beach who works with individuals and couples, I see this all the time. When people hold back on voicing their needs, it doesn’t lead to harmony, it leads to resentment, disconnect, and a slow drift apart. The antidote? Learning how to speak up and stay emotionally connected in the process.

In this blog, we will break down how to do that without guilt, blame, or pushing your partner away.

What If I Don’t Know What I Need?

Sometimes, one of the hardest parts of communication is… not even knowing what to say. If you grew up in a home where emotional needs weren’t acknowledged, let alone met, you might not have learned how to identify, express, or even feel your needs. It’s not that you’re broken or incapable of communicating. It’s that you didn’t get the emotional blueprint for it.

In many families, survival takes priority over emotional connection. If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed, or dismissive, you may have learned to suppress your needs just to stay safe or avoid conflict. Maybe you were labeled “too sensitive” or told to “stop crying” when you were upset. Over time, the safest move might’ve been to stay quiet, stay small, or become hyper-independent.

Fast forward to adulthood, and suddenly you’re in a relationship where you’re expected to voice your needs but your nervous system is screaming that it’s unsafe. That’s not stubbornness or immaturity; that’s wiring. The same protective strategies that once kept you safe can now make connection feel threatening or confusing.

Understanding this can be incredibly freeing. It helps you shift the narrative from “Why can’t I just say how I feel?” to “Oh, this makes sense. I’m unlearning something that used to protect me.”

Communication Is a Skill, and Not a Personality Trait

So many people assume they’re “bad communicators” when what’s really true is: they’ve never been shown how to communicate in emotionally safe ways. If your childhood involved a lot of yelling, shutting down, or walking on eggshells, then it’s no surprise you feel unsure or overwhelmed when trying to express yourself today.

That’s why therapy can be so powerful. It’s not just about learning how to talk; it’s about learning to feel safe enough to be heard. It’s about finding language for what’s been stuck in your body for years, and learning that your needs are not too much, too dramatic, or too late.

And when both partners do this work together? That’s where connection deepens, ruptures repair, and communication becomes a bridge instead of a battleground.

Step One: Get Clear on What You Actually Need

Before you bring anything up, check in with yourself first. What’s going on underneath the frustration, sadness, or disappointment?

Many people either suppress their needs until they boil over or express them in a way that feels reactive, which can create conflict. The real magic happens when you tune into what you need before you’re in crisis mode.

Ask yourself:

What is really bothering me?

What would help me feel more loved, supported, or seen?

Am I hoping my partner will read my mind?

Be specific. Instead of saying, “I need more connection,” try, “I’d love it if we could have a phone-free 20 minutes together after dinner.” The more direct and grounded you are, the easier it is for your partner to respond.

Reminder: Your needs are valid even if they’re different from your partner’s.

Step Two: Let Go of Mind Reading

One of the most common patterns I see in couples therapy in Hermosa Beach is this: people hoping their partner will just know what they need. Spoiler alert: they won’t.

No matter how much your partner loves you, they’re not a mind reader. And expecting them to “just know” sets both of you up for frustration and disconnection.

Try this instead:

“I feel disconnected when we don’t talk during the day. Could we text each other a quick check-in at lunch?”

“I feel most connected when we make time to cuddle before bed. Can we try that more often?”

When you put your needs into words, you’re giving your partner a chance to meet you there—not testing whether they can figure it out on their own.

Step Three: Use “I” Statements Instead of Blame

It’s so easy to fall into blame when emotions are high. But saying, “You never listen to me” will likely trigger defensiveness—not empathy.

That’s why “I” statements are your best friend when it comes to healthy communication.

Instead of:
“You’re always on your phone and ignoring me.”

Try:
“I feel lonely when we don’t spend time connecting in the evenings. Can we try putting our phones away after dinner?”

“I” statements keep the focus on your emotional experience without turning it into an attack. They open the door for connection instead of conflict.

Step Four: Make Requests, Not Demands

There’s a big difference between expressing a need and demanding a response. When you make a request, you’re inviting your partner into connection. When you issue a demand, it can feel like pressure.

Try:

“I’d love more words of affirmation from you. Is that something that feels natural for you?”

“It means a lot to me when we say goodnight intentionally. Could we start doing that again?”

Open-ended requests create space for collaboration and give your partner room to respond in their own way. It’s not about perfection- it’s about partnership.

Step Five: Accept That Some Needs May Not Be Fully Met and That’s Okay

Here’s the truth: no one person can meet 100% of your emotional needs. That doesn’t mean your partner is failing you. It means they’re human.

Sometimes, your needs might be better met through friendships, community, hobbies, or therapy. Other times, it may be about adjusting your expectations or finding compromise with your partner.

Ask yourself:

Is this a non-negotiable for me?

Is there another way I can meet this need?

Can I show myself compassion instead of resentment?

Healthy relationships make space for both togetherness and individuality.

How Therapy in Hermosa Beach Can Help You Speak Up with Confidence

If you struggle to express your needs or feel like your partner shuts down when you do, you’re not alone. Learning how to communicate clearly and lovingly is a skill. And therapy can help you build that skill with more clarity, confidence, and connection.

Individual therapy can help you get in touch with your emotional needs, work through communication fears, and build assertiveness without shame.

Couples therapy creates a safe space for both partners to share openly, listen deeply, and practice healthier ways of relating.

Whether you’re looking for in-person therapy in Hermosa Beach or online therapy in California, support is available to help you create the relationship you want.

Final Thoughts: Expressing Needs Builds Connection Not Distance

Speaking up doesn’t have to be scary. It’s not about nagging or controlling, it’s about giving your partner a chance to show up for you. The more you express your needs with clarity and compassion, the deeper your connection becomes.

So here’s your invitation:
Say what you need. Stay open to the response. Trust that expressing your truth is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and your relationship.

And if you need support, therapy in Hermosa Beach can help. Whether you’re navigating communication struggles, emotional disconnection, or relationship stress, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own.

Looking for individual or couples therapy in Hermosa Beach or online therapy across California? Let’s talk. I help people just like you learn how to express themselves, feel heard, and build relationships that actually feel good.