Ever feel like you and your partner are stuck in the same frustrating argument on repeat? You try to talk, they shut down. Or maybe they bring something up, and you get defensive. Before you know it, you’re both emotionally exhausted, wondering how you even got here.
Welcome to the negative cycle—that relentless pattern that keeps couples disconnected, misunderstood, and, frankly, miserable. The good news? This cycle isn’t you, and it’s not your partner—it’s the dynamic between you. And like any bad habit, it can be changed.
At my practice, where I offer couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, I see this pattern all the time. The first step? Understanding what’s really happening beneath the surface.
What is a Negative Cycle?
A negative cycle is a repeated pattern in relationships where both partners feel stuck in roles they don’t like but don’t know how to escape. It often looks something like this:
- One partner (let’s call them Partner A) brings up an issue—maybe they need more attention, feel unheard, or are stressed.
- The other partner (Partner B) reacts defensively, withdraws, or dismisses it.
- Partner A gets frustrated, feeling ignored, which leads to more emotional intensity.
- Partner B shuts down even more, feeling overwhelmed.
- Repeat.
Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. This pattern is one of the biggest reasons couples seek therapy in Hermosa Beach—because no matter how much love exists in a relationship, getting caught in a negative cycle can make it feel impossible to connect.
The Role of Attachment Styles
Why do these cycles happen? A lot of it comes down to attachment styles—the ways we learned to connect (or protect ourselves) in childhood.
- Anxiously attached partners tend to seek reassurance and emotional closeness. When they feel disconnected, they pursue their partner—sometimes in ways that feel intense or demanding.
- Avoidantly attached partners cope by creating space. When emotions feel overwhelming, they pull away to self-regulate—sometimes making their partner feel abandoned in the process.
Neither attachment style is wrong—but when they collide, it creates a push-pull dynamic that fuels the negative cycle. And without intervention, it can lead to serious resentment, loneliness, and even relationship breakdown.
How Couples Therapy in Hermosa Beach Can Help
If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, the solution isn’t to argue better or “just communicate more.” It’s about understanding what’s really happening emotionally—and that’s where couples therapy comes in.
In couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, we work on:
Identifying Your Cycle – Together, we pinpoint exactly where and how you get stuck.
Understanding Your Triggers – What makes you shut down? What makes your partner escalate? We get to the root of it.
Learning New Responses – Instead of reacting with defensiveness or withdrawal, you’ll learn how to communicate in ways that bring you closer, not farther apart.
Building Emotional Safety – The ultimate goal? A relationship where you both feel heard, valued, and secure.
What if You’re Not in a Relationship? (Hint: Individual Therapy Can Help Too)
If you’re noticing negative cycles in past relationships or want to work on your attachment patterns before getting into a relationship, individual therapy in Hermosa Beach can help. Therapy isn’t just about fixing problems—it’s about gaining self-awareness, breaking old patterns, and creating the kind of relationships you actually want.
The negative cycle isn’t a life sentence. With the right support, you and your partner can learn to recognize it, shift the pattern, and create a more connected, secure relationship.
If you’re tired of the same fights and want to break the cycle for good, couples therapy in Hermosa Beach can help. And if you’re working through these patterns on your own, individual therapy in Hermosa Beach is a great place to start.
Ready to break the cycle? Let’s work together to change the pattern and create a relationship that feels safe, loving, and fulfilling.
