Self-Abandonment: Why You Keep Putting Yourself Last (And How to Stop)

If you’ve ever said “it’s fine” when it absolutely was not fine, or agreed to something just to avoid conflict (even though you reallllly didn’t want to), congrats—you’ve met self-abandonment.

It’s that sneaky habit of ignoring your needs, downplaying your feelings, and bending over backward to keep the peace, even at your own expense. And while it might seem like the easier option in the moment, long-term? It’s a recipe for resentment, burnout, and relationships that feel one-sided.

As a therapist in Hermosa Beach, I see self-abandonment show up all the time in both individual therapy and couples therapy. It’s not just a “people-pleasing” thing—it’s often a learned survival strategy. If you grew up in an environment where your needs weren’t valued, where love felt conditional, or where conflict felt unsafe, putting yourself last probably became second nature. But here’s the thing: constantly abandoning yourself doesn’t make relationships better—it just makes you disappear.

Signs You Might Be Abandoning Yourself

• You struggle to express your needs because you don’t want to “burden” anyone.
• You constantly override your own feelings to keep the peace.
• You say yes when you mean no (and then feel exhausted, bitter, or both).
• You downplay your successes or happiness so others don’t feel uncomfortable.
• You feel like you’re always showing up for others but rarely getting the same in return.
• You’re more tuned in to what others need than what you need.

Why We Do It

Self-abandonment isn’t random—it’s usually rooted in old patterns of seeking love, safety, or approval. Maybe you learned that being “easygoing” made you more likable. Maybe advocating for yourself felt unsafe. Or maybe somewhere along the way, you got the message that your needs just didn’t matter as much as everyone else’s.

But here’s the truth: prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. Because when you’re constantly pouring from an empty cup, no one gets the best version of you (including you).

How to Reclaim Yourself

In therapy, whether in individual work or in couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, we focus on breaking the self-abandonment cycle in ways that feel doable, not overwhelming. Here’s where to start:

1. Check in with Yourself Daily – Before automatically saying yes, ask: “What do I actually want here?” The more you practice this, the easier it gets.
2. Start Using Your Voice – Practice setting small boundaries first. Even a simple “I need to think about that” can buy you time to make a choice that actually serves you.
3. Validate Your Own Needs – You don’t need external permission to take up space. If something matters to you, it matters. Period.
4. Get Comfortable with Discomfort – Saying no or speaking up might feel weird at first. That’s okay. Growth usually does.
5. Build Relationships That Support the Real You – If a relationship only “works” when you abandon yourself, that’s not a healthy relationship. Therapy can help you navigate these dynamics with clarity and confidence.

Self-abandonment might be a pattern you learned, but it’s not one you have to keep. If you’re ready to start showing up for yourself the way you do for everyone else, therapy in Hermosa Beach is a great place to begin. Let’s talk about how to make you a priority again.