What Is Disorganized Attachment?

Disorganized attachment is a concept from developmental psychology—specifically attachment theory—that describes a pattern of insecure bonding that can develop during childhood. This type of attachment often arises from caregiving experiences that are inconsistent, neglectful, or even frightening. Think of it as an internal tug-of-war about closeness. On one hand, there is a deep craving for connection and fear of abandonment. On the other hand, there’s an overwhelming impulse to protect oneself by fleeing, freezing, or fighting back. This inner conflict stems from trauma and neglect.

The Foundation of Attachment Styles

Attachment styles act as templates for how we bond and relate to others, starting in childhood. They shape how we regulate our needs, emotions, and feelings of safety and closeness. Let’s take a closer look at how different attachment styles develop:

Avoidant Attachment

Children with avoidant attachment often distance themselves from others. They rely on self-regulation, minimizing their needs for closeness. While they may appear calm or indifferent, internally, they could be experiencing significant emotional distress. This child may have been shamed, neglected, or met with frustration and criticism when expressing needs. Over time, they learn to deactivate their attachment system and prioritize self-reliance, becoming emotionally closed off.

Anxious Attachment

In contrast, children with anxious attachment are distressed by distance. They amplify their needs and constantly seek reassurance. These children struggle with self-soothing and often appear clingy or fussy. Beneath their anxiety lies a profound fear of being abandoned or ignored. This hypervigilance makes it hard for them to explore autonomy or trust others fully.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is a mix of both avoidant and anxious tendencies, and it’s uniquely challenging. For these children, their attachment impulses activate simultaneously with their survival instincts. They are caught in a painful paradox: turning to a caregiver might result in punishment, shame, or neglect, but avoiding the caregiver leaves them feeling unbearably alone and unsafe. This intense conflict can lead to dissociation and physical symptoms like stomach issues or headaches.

How Does Disorganized Attachment Develop?

Disorganized attachment often develops in environments where caregivers create fear or unpredictability, such as:

• Intimidation or overt aggression
• Inconsistent responses to the child’s needs
• Ignoring or mocking the child’s distress
• High-stress, chaotic home environments
• Chronic neglect or emotional unavailability

In these settings, a child’s primary source of comfort—their caregiver—is also a source of fear. This creates a confusing and distressing relationship dynamic that can persist into adulthood.

How Common Is Disorganized Attachment?

According to research compiled by the National Institute of Health, about 15% of the general population in the United States exhibits disorganized attachment. Among children who experience maltreatment, that number jumps to 85%.

The Impact of Disorganized Attachment on Adult Relationships

Adults with disorganized attachment often struggle with conflicting desires. They deeply want love and connection but fear and mistrust intimacy. This can result in:

• Difficulty trusting others
• Feeling unworthy of love
• Expecting abandonment or rejection
• Avoiding closeness while also fearing loneliness
• Choosing partners with insecure attachment styles
• Intense emotions alternating with emotional numbness
• Being overly critical or blaming toward partners

These behaviors can lead to self-sabotage in relationships. For example, you might push someone away out of fear, only to feel devastated when they leave. This can create a cycle of unfulfilled longing and negative patterns in romantic relationships.

Recognizing the Signs

If you identify with a disorganized attachment style, you might notice:

• Intense emotional swings
• Chronic anxiety
• Episodes of dissociation (numbing or feeling detached from reality)
• A tendency to people-please excessively
• A recurring sense of helplessness
• Rage or anger, even if it’s not outwardly expressed

Healing From Disorganized Attachment

Here’s the good news: Disorganized attachment is not a life sentence. Many people successfully shift to what’s called “earned secure attachment” with the help of individual therapy or couples therapy. If you’re in the South Bay area, therapy in Hermosa Beach can provide a supportive, healing environment to work through these challenges.

Why Individual Therapy Matters

Individual therapy can be a powerful tool in understanding and healing disorganized attachment. Working one-on-one with a therapist, especially in therapy in Hermosa Beach or the South Bay, allows you to:

• Build self-worth
• Set healthy boundaries
• Understand and manage your triggers
• Gain emotional regulation skills
• Stop self-sabotaging behaviors
• Develop secure and fulfilling relationships

A skilled therapist helps you process past experiences and teaches you how to recognize and change patterns that no longer serve you.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

For individuals navigating disorganized attachment within a relationship, couples therapy offers unique benefits. Therapy in Hermosa Beach and therapy in the South Bay area can create a safe space for both partners to:

• Understand each other’s attachment styles
• Build emotional safety and trust
• Learn effective communication techniques
• Address conflicts without triggering fear or avoidance
• Establish consistent and supportive behaviors

Couples therapy can act as a bridge, helping partners understand why certain behaviors emerge and how to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness. For example, if one partner has disorganized attachment, they might have sudden emotional outbursts or withdraw unexpectedly. In therapy, both partners can learn to navigate these moments with patience and understanding, fostering greater intimacy.

Additionally, couples therapy encourages co-regulation—the ability to soothe each other during moments of distress. This is particularly helpful for individuals with disorganized attachment, who may struggle to self-soothe. With the support of a therapist, partners can work together to create a relationship that feels safe and stable.

Self-Help Steps

While therapy is essential, some complementary self-help strategies can support your growth:

Mindfulness and Self-Awareness
Disorganized attachment pulls you into past fears or future anxieties. A mindfulness practice helps ground you in the present moment, allowing you to identify and honor your needs. Meditation, journaling, or simply pausing to check in with yourself can make a big difference.

Patience
Changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process. Practice patience with others as well, recognizing that not every moment requires a reaction.

Self-Care
Invest in nurturing routines that prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Regular exercise, healthy eating, and consistent sleep patterns can build the resilience you need to foster healthier relationships.

Therapy in Hermosa Beach and the South Bay

If you’re ready to work on your attachment style, individual therapy or couples therapy can be a transformative step. Therapy in Hermosa Beach or the broader South Bay area provides an opportunity to explore your attachment history and build the skills you need for lasting change. Whether you’re navigating challenges as an individual or within a relationship, a skilled therapist can guide you toward greater emotional safety, stability, and connection.

Through consistent support and intentional work, therapy in the South Bay can help you move beyond the patterns of disorganized attachment and create a life filled with meaningful, secure relationships. Whether you’re seeking individual therapy or couples therapy, taking the first step can lead to profound growth and healing.