The Love Tango: Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Are Drawn to Each Other and How Therapy in the South Bay Can Help

Relationships are full of chemistry, connection, and, let’s be honest, complications. One of the most common and confusing dynamics I see in my couples therapy practice in Hermosa Beach and online across California is between partners with anxious and avoidant attachment styles. This pairing often feels like a dance: one person moves in, the other pulls away, and then they switch. It’s an exhausting loop, but it’s not random.

Understanding the pull between anxious and avoidant partners can help you shift from conflict to clarity. And if you find yourself stuck in this dynamic, therapy, especially in places like Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, or even virtually throughout California, can support your journey toward a more secure connection.

What Are Attachment Styles, Anyway?

Attachment styles are like the emotional blueprints we carry into adult relationships. These patterns form in childhood based on how we experienced connection, safety, and care from our primary caregivers. But they don’t just live in the past, they show up in our romantic relationships, too.

There are four main types:

Anxious Attachment: Craves closeness and fears abandonment. Needs frequent reassurance.

Avoidant Attachment: Fears dependency and avoids emotional intimacy. Values space and independence.

Secure Attachment: Feels safe with closeness and comfortable with distance. Balances intimacy and autonomy with ease.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): Wants connection but fears getting hurt. Often experiences push-pull tendencies internally.

Most people don’t fall neatly into a single category, and these styles can shift over time especially with support from individual therapy or couples therapy.

Why Do Anxious and Avoidant Partners Attract Each Other?

At first glance, this seems like a mismatch. One person needs more connection; the other needs more space. So why do anxious and avoidant people so often end up in relationships together?

Let’s break it down:

1. Unconscious Familiarity

We’re drawn to what feels familiar, even if it’s not healthy. If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving where love felt unpredictable, your nervous system might feel “at home” in relationships that mirror that inconsistency.

For someone with an anxious attachment style, the avoidant partner’s emotional distance can feel oddly familiar, like a childhood puzzle they’re still trying to solve. For the avoidant partner, the anxious partner’s intensity can trigger early experiences of feeling overwhelmed or smothered. It’s not conscious, but it is powerful.

2. The Pursuer-Distancer Dance

This cycle is the heartbeat of the anxious-avoidant dynamic:

The anxious partner pursues, seeking closeness and reassurance.

The avoidant partner distances, trying to preserve autonomy and emotional space.

The more the anxious partner chases, the more the avoidant pulls away. The more the avoidant withdraws, the more anxious the pursuer becomes. Around and around they go.

This cycle can be incredibly painful, but it’s also a pattern that can be broken with intentional work, often supported by couples counseling in Hermosa Beach, individual therapy in the South Bay, or online therapy anywhere in California.

3. Confirmation Bias in Relationships

Each partner unconsciously reinforces the other’s beliefs about love and safety:

The anxious partner often believes they have to work hard for love, and the avoidant’s withdrawal confirms this fear.

The avoidant partner believes that closeness means losing themselves, and the anxious partner’s pursuit confirms this fear.

Without intervention, these partners will often repeat this emotional choreography until it leads to disconnection or burnout.

4. The Hope for Healing

There’s often a deep, unspoken hope that the relationship will heal old wounds. The anxious partner hopes the avoidant will finally choose closeness. The avoidant hopes the anxious partner will learn to give them space without taking it personally.

This hope can be powerful, but it needs tools, awareness, and often therapeutic support to become reality.

What Keeps This Pattern Going?

Aside from the deep psychological pull, these relationships often begin with intense chemistry. The avoidant may be drawn to the anxious partner’s expressiveness. The anxious partner may find the avoidant’s independence intriguing.

But over time, what once felt exciting becomes exhausting. One partner feels unseen; the other feels suffocated.

And yet they stay. Why?

Fear of abandonment

Hope for change

Guilt or shame

Trauma bonding

The good news? Awareness is the first step toward change.

How Therapy in the South Bay Helps Break the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

If you recognize yourself or your relationship in this dynamic, therapy can be a lifeline. Whether you’re looking for couples therapy in Hermosa Beach, individual therapy in Manhattan Beach , or online counseling anywhere in California, the goal is the same: build emotional safety and connection.

Here’s how therapy helps:

Identify your attachment style and understand how it shows up in your relationship

Break unconscious cycles of pursuit and distancing

Learn new communication tools that don’t trigger your partner

Create emotional safety so both partners feel seen and respected

Practice vulnerability at a pace that feels safe for both people

Tips for Anxious Partners

If you lean anxious in relationships, try these:

Build a secure foundation within yourself. Journaling, meditation, or working with a therapist can help soothe anxious spirals.

Name your needs clearly without blame or criticizing

Practice self-soothing when your partner needs space.

Remember: Your worth isn’t dependent on someone else’s response.

Tips for Avoidant Partners

If you’re more avoidant in relationships:

Get curious about your discomfort with closeness. Where does it come from?

Practice expressing emotions in small doses.

Challenge the belief that vulnerability equals weakness.

Learn to communicate boundaries without shutting down.

These aren’t easy shifts, but they are possible with support.

Why Couples Therapy in Hermosa Beach (or Online in California) Can Be a Game-Changer

Many couples stuck in this dynamic try to fix it themselves, but it often leads to more misunderstanding. A skilled therapist can:

Help you understand how your past shows up in the present

Offer neutral ground where both partners feel heard

Teach you how to communicate without spiraling into old roles

Help you build a secure foundation together

Whether you’re seeking therapy in-person in Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, or Manhattan Beach or prefer online therapy throughout California, you don’t have to untangle this alone.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment Together

Breaking out of the anxious-avoidant loop takes work, but it’s absolutely possible. With support, self-awareness, and the right tools, both partners can learn how to connect in ways that feel safe, nourishing, and secure.

In the end, the goal isn’t to “fix” one another, but it’s to understand, grow, and support each other on the path to emotional intimacy.

If this resonates with you, know that help is available. Whether you’re in Hermosa Beach, anywhere in the South Bay, or looking for online therapy in California, you don’t have to figure it out alone. The dance can change, and you get to lead it together.

Want to explore how therapy can help your relationship thrive?
Schedule a free consultation today